dogs, Dogs, DOGS

I never was much for dogs. I don't like the way their nose is always wet and they lick you ALL The Time! I can't stand when they jump up on you and they bark incessantly. And typically they are much too needy. Nope, I am definitely a cat person.

I have known a few good dogs though.
There was Rouge, a roommates pet, that was a good dog. She would guard my bedroom door. She never begged, crowded you at the table, or snuck food while you weren't looking. She didn't bother the cats and I never even heard her bark. She was a good dog and I would love on her when I wanted. She even knew she wasn't allowed in my room but on occasion I would let her in so I could pet her but then she would go right back out again to guard my door. She never jumped up and I don't recall her ever being on the furniture. Yup, a very good dog.
(There were one or two others but I can't think of their name and they are no where near as good as Rouge anyway.)

Well, Marlin is a dog person. He has two. A boy, Beau, a good dog and Nakita, the female, a bad dog. Beau wants lovin' and at times it is a bit too much but he is a big lug of a dog so I don't mind it. He does bark and it drives me crazy or he starts whining in the middle of the night and I have to let him out. But all in all, he isn't so bad. He listens when I say get down. He comes when I call. Yup, he is alright.
Then there is Nakita. The Female. And I am quickly hating her. She doesn't listen to me. If she does, it is at her own slow pace. She has to sleep in the bed, and should I have to get up, she moves to my side. She used to not move at all till I forcibly moved her and then she acted like I ripped her leg off and then Marlin is worried I hurt her... yup, she is manipulative. She has started peeing and pooping in the house. It smells. Bad. He has tried to spank her (for a few days) and it didn't seem to work, so he gave up on that idea. I offered several different suggestions but he had reasons we couldn't do any of them. She apparently has a heat condition so she can't be outside when it is too hot. Then, once it cooled down, he was afraid she would escape the back yard and run away. We couldn't keep her in the bathroom on the tile, because she would claw the door and the garage was out of the question because the camper is in there and it is much too crowded for his baby girl. When we were spanking her, I used the flyswatter, which if you ask me did nothing to her but according to him, it gives her trauma and I can't use it anymore. So that was out. I offered the water/vinegar spray my sister suggested but never gotten any comment back on that (and I have mentioned it 3 times!). And don't even get me started on the way he talks to her; like a lover. I makes me sick!!!!!!!!!

I love him and he is wonderful but I hate that dog!

Now, I am a cat person and I LOVE cats. He knows this but apparently he is deathly allergic. His issues, he said, would be -
--the litter box. I would have to keep it clean. I agreed (even though I think cats should go outside). But he fears I won't (because a past girlfriend didn't). But never mind that I clean up the poo or that I step in the pee his dog leaves on the carpet.
--the smell. He can't stand the smell of cat pee or if it sprayed. (Yet his dog goes every day and he doesn't seem to notice).
--the dander.... Hello, you should see the dog hair! It is everywhere. I can't sit on my own bed without being covered in it. It is all over our blankets (and I do wash them often) so it is constantly blowing in my face... it drives me crazy. It is all over the couches. There is no place you can sit in this house without being covered. I can't vacuum everyday. I work. And even when we are cooking, it ends up in the food - now that is GROSS!

DOGS!!! I can not stand that dog! I tried. I tried loving on her. I tried scolding her. I don't even touch her now. I have nothing to do with her. She won't stop peeing and pooping on the floor and she needs to be outside.

a Gift

Whilst I had been living in San Antonio, I had been feeling a little down and a friend Alex gave me a little gift to make me smile.


(Alex is an IT guy at one of my former employers and so he updated my avatar as a surprise. It is a good one and I appreciated it. Thanks Alex!)

In Remembrance of Veterans

I Thank All of those who Serve.


Some have joined the military and fought battles on foreign lands.

Some joined and never saw battle but was ready at a moments notice to do their duty.

Some did not go but supported the troops while the rest of the country turned their back.

Some could not join but supported the family while they were away.

Thank you to those that fought, those that joined, those that stood up and those that kept close.

God Bless you all this Veteran's Day

My Prince

My God has sent me a Prince and I want to Praise Him!

My Father in Heaven has heard my prayers. He has comforted me when I cried out for a husband. He took notes, read my heart and sought out to bring me a good man and a fine husband. He has given me Marlin.

A few nights ago, we had planned on going to the Olive Garden for a date night out (per my request). I had offered later that we postpone to stay home and continue working on picking colors so we could have a better plan when we went shopping the following day. Marlin was so grateful that I had suggested it because he too was concerned about getting all this done. We spent the weekend shopping for tools, paint stripper, tools, curtains, tools, stain, tools, etc....(hahaha) and then we came home and he played with his tools to hang my curtains, and played with tools again to hang his fountain at the entry way and he even got to show and tell to a few friends that stopped by.

So Monday came and he had called me at work to ask about ripping the carpet up earlier than planned so we can save $500 by dumping it now with his parents (they are also replacing their flooring) instead of later. (There is that feeling of overwhelmed again) I tell him that I didn't want concrete floors for the winter and was this going to move the floor project up? I wanted to save the money too but I just don't see how we are going to get it all done now! So he calls back later to tell me he loved me and not to be frustrated with him during this time.

I spend the rest of the day in knots trying to decide if I should say "Go ahead, honey, I trust you know what you are doing and going to make good decisions with our budget and our plans..." OR put my foot down and say "No! Not another dime will be spent on anything until we get the kitchen and living rooms painted at least."

I get home to have the talk. I walk in the house to see him busy in the back yard. He runs in the house, grabs me and places his hand over my eyes and drags me to the bedroom to wait till he is comes and gets me, then dashes out again.

When he returns he leads me out to the back yard where he has started an intimate fire in the chimnette, placed a candle and two glasses of wine on a small bistro table in front of the fire. He gave me a sweet kiss and dashed in the house again.

Course One: Appetizers
Fried cheese with marina and garlic bread with butter

Course Two: Soup
Italian Chicken and Dumpling with Spinach

[it began to rain so we brought our "picnic" inside - not raining on this parade!]

Course Three: Main Course
Chicken Parmesan

He had gone to Olive Garden to give me a romantic evening since I had given him the time he wanted to work on the painting project. I much preferred this intimate dinner to a crowded loud restaurant anyway. It is nice to be taken out on a date sometimes but last night was perfect.

The evening concluded with him laying across the couch, head in my lap and falling asleep peacefully and I finishing the James Bond movie he picked out.

So here is a picture of my Fine Prince:
He is a fine looking Prince indeed.

3. Like an apple tree among the trees of the forest is my lover among the young men. I delight to sit in his shade, and his fruit is sweet to my taste. 4. He has taken me to the banquet hall, and his banner over me is love.
5. Strengthen me with raisins, refresh me with apples, for I am faint with love. 6. His left arm is under my head, and his right arm embraces me.

Song of Solomon 2:3-6

16. My lover is mine and I am his
Song of Solomon


My Father has blessed me and I Praise HIM!
Amen!

Riggers of Remodeling

It is a process. It is an adventure, a headache, a learning experience.

My beau, Marlin, and I have been starting our "remodel". We aren't knocking down walls (thankfully) but we are taking out carpet, putting in hardwood flooring, painting, curtains, building a shed and back deck, laying down paverstone paths and putting in landscaping. Granted, not all at one time but we are starting with the painting and curtains.

Our theme: Country cottage

We both like the rustic and cozy feel and agree to most of the ideas but once in application, frustration sets in:
Marlin has to draw everything out right now and get the measurements of everything and pricing on the entire project and tools! for every thing to prepare for the upcoming projects. He says we have to do all this to submit for approval from the HOA which could take up to 6 months or so. He is the details and planning on the numbers side; pricing the lumber, determining the type of brace we need, buying the nail pressure gun, calculating the cubic inches, looking at blue prints of decks, buying software to virtually design it, and staking out the yard (even though we aren't building it for a year).
I am not as left brained. I like drawing out the plans for the landscaping and deck and yes, I want it all now too but I want to work on one project at a time. We both know we are working on a budget so I have a hard time seeing why we have to buy tools now we won't need for months. I understand we have to draw plans for approval for the HOA but do we need pricing for next years project when it is very likely the prices will have changed in a years time. He is so focused. I get overwhelmed with the entire project so I am trying to pace ourselves so we are only looking at what we need now for just painting; then we can look at buying another mantel or getting estimates on flooring, or buying pressure nail guns in two different sizes... etc.
Hence we get frustrated with how the other one works.
{sigh}
But I absolutely love him and am so glad that he can do all this stuff and I am so very happy that he will be working with (and learning from) my Poppa. Hopefully, this will bring them closer and Marlin will enjoying spending as much time them as he does with his family.

the space in between (chapter 2)

So if you have no one else, you should have your family. ... but sometimes those who have your back, may not even be related to you.

I had just been beaten up, and packed as much as I could into my truck, called a former roommate that had lived in the house with us, who had moved north of Austin, had driven back to San Antonio to help me load as much as he could into his car and follow me 2.5 hours north to my grandparents. I had called mom and my grandparents to let them know what was going on and ask my grandparents if I could stay at their house while they were out of town. Granny said "yes" and Poppa was concerned about having the electricity and water turned back on for me (since they had been out of the house for the summer, the utilities had been turned off ). This is when things started going haywire. From what I remember, Mom had talked to Trisa (her sister, my aunt) and she, Trisa, was suggesting I call Travis (thier brother, my uncle), of which I couldn't get a hold of. I couldn't get a hold of Trisa either so I am basicly on the phone with Mom the whole 2 hours bawling my eyes out at what I was going to do now since I couldn't get a hold of Travis and Trisa wouldn't come to Lampasas and oh boo whoo ... I was DISTRAUT!
Between talking to Mom and Granny & Poppa, it felt like I was getting further from San Antonio but not closer to a home or place to stay.
(I have only cried harder than that on one occassion and that was from a betrayed heart.)
As we pulled up to my grandparents and started to unload boxes into their workshed, Travis happened to drive by. He began asking questions as to why I was there and seemed very suspicious about the whole thing. From what Poppa had said earlier, Travis was supposed to give me the key and turn the utilities back on; but Travis said he hadn't talked to anybody. Due to his lack of interest in seemingly wanting to help out or being concerned at all, I just said I would stay in a hotel. --Needless to say, I stayed in a hotel that night and out of everyone's way.
(Please note that I am relaying my present state of mind in it's delicate condition at that time and am not intending to slander anyone).

So I spent the week staying in a hotel and looking on line for a job. The following weekend would change my life forever....

....stay tuned!

the space in between (chapter 1)

I know it has been a LONG LONG time since my last blog.... and SO VERY MUCH has happened. (hopefully in my long absence, I did not lose my one loyal reader hahahaha)



The update:

Well, Let's see. I was in San Antonio and Heather was visiting. It was a very nice visit. The wine probe was fun and I must admit that I had to pace myself and start alternating water after a glass or two. We also went to a dude ranch and had a blast and Heather even stood on a horse!!! ( I promise I will post the pictures soon). We went to the lake and went camping with some other friends of hers and it was nice to get a little sun on my translucent legs. Soon it was time to head back to Korea.

Some weeks later, Kevin and my living situation came to an unfortunate end. What started as a disagreement about living space soon turned into a physical altercation. We had been discussing his leaving trash on the kitchen for days and how it is our common area and we rent to live in this space etc.... suddenly he is up out of his chair, charging towards me, hand up and screaming within inches from my face. I had already started arching backwards to keep a distance but my instincts soon took over and I felt I needed to defend myself. I slapped him and told him to step back. This of course sparked the flame and he lunged towards me and from what I remember, we were grappling and wrestling around the kitchen. He was trying to punch me screaming "Not in his house" and I was trying to slam him into the cabinets to get him off me. It ended by him having me pinned down in the living room with my face pressed up against the stairs and him punching me in the back of the head. Needless to say, I called the police and left that night.

The ordeal was very traumatic for me but what possibly hurt worse was that I felt like the people that are most supposed to be there for you (family) weren't.

.........................to be continued...

a vaca w/ Heather

Heather arrived in town yesterday.

We went grocery shopping and took it easy yesterday.

Today we spent the day downtown at the Riverwalk. We went to Ripley's Believe it or Not! and the Wax Museum. Ripley's was neat but the Wax Museum was disappointing. But the Riverwalk is still a lovey stroll and very nice.

Tomorrow is a wine probe through Fredericksburg and Stonewall. We are both looking really really forward to it.

(pictures will be posted soon.)

Stay tuned....

Feliz Cinco de Mayo

The Ciaos that is [currently] My Life

Ball of Confusion (that's what the world is today) [by the Temptations] comes to mind today.

I have a knot in the pit of my stomach that is growing and make me sick.

Stress - the physical pressure, pull, or other force exerted on one thing by another; strain.

Stress is a term that refers to the sum of the physical, mental, and emotional strains or tensions on a person. Feelings of stress in humans result from interactions between persons and their environment that are perceived as straining or exceeding their adaptive capacities and threatening their well-being. The element of perception indicates that human stress responses reflect differences in personality as well as differences in physical strength or health.

[Deep Breath]

My laundry list that effects my current state of mind: (should you care to read on...)

I am on the outs with my Mom with all the stuff happening with my brother, I feel unimportant.

I moved to San Antonio for a new start and a great job and all I think I have gotten is an ulcer.

I have bills and rent and no income and to make matters worse, both roommates are moving out (one of which because of me - he can't deal with a female roommate), so no pressure Jodi but you need to get your butt in gear.

I want a relationship soooo bad!!!!! I looked to the wrong person to have something stable to keep me from feeling dizzy in the midst of my ciaos and now I feel like I have lost my self worth entirely. It's like I see it. I know it was there but I am just watching it drift away and I am helpless to get it back... [sigh]

sigh.

Getting Settled

Well, I am still unpacking and getting settled but my move to San Antonio has been a good one so far. I have met a few of San Antonio's finest entrepreneurs and made some positive contacts.

There is Kevin, the "Landlord".

Then there is Ryan who is our own personal landscaper (another roommate).

And last but not least, the beautiful, talented and charming groovy-gal Tina and her TGTV.

I just want to let all my "peeps" know that are going well and give a shout out to Edward. Let me know when you come to town to visit.
Heather will be here in a few weeks so it will be good to see her again and have another fun adventure.

Okay kids, I must be off to bed and catch a few winks. Kevin is certainly keeping me busy (cracking the whip) by helping do a few computer things... this is good for me - I am learning a lot.

(big yawn) Night Ya'll!

On the Road Again

Well, Life is certainly about the Journey and I am on the road again.

I am off to San Antonio to find fame and fortune... okay maybe more like peace and quite.

I am leaving the nest again (hahaha - 3rd times a charm, right?!?!)

I had plans to head towards Austin but a friend beckoned me towards his neck of the woods and made a tempting offer I couldn't refuse. So I am packing up and heading out.

Nervous. Anxious. Excited. [sigh]

What is in a name?

For those of you loyal readers, you may have noticed I changed the name of my blog.

It used to Jodi's Praise. When I started blogging, it was to highlight the praise in my life. To pray for those close to me and acknowledges the blessings God has given me. As my blog has developed and I have fallen more in love with it, it has developed into so much more.

Since it has blossomed into a very well rounded entity, I feel it is time to give it a more fitting name. I thought about "Jodi's Rollercoaster" but felt that it was bigger than just a single ride... hence, "Jodi's Amusement Park".

But as a true Monty Python fan, I am now leaning towards "Jodi's Flying Circus".

On the other hand, I do lend myself to Shakespeare quite often (note the title) and I do feel a certain hint of Greek Tragedy in my life at times (though no one has died yet). Although, let's face it, "Jodi's Greek Tragedy" is a bit to ominous and foreboding even for me. Perhaps my literary friends can come up with something much more cleaver...

So I need you ALL to weigh in! Cast your votes and I will sort through them this weekend.
Come 1 April, I will have a fitting title for my beloved blog!

To be Queen for a Day

Ah, Tis good to be Queen!

- [typically, I am inspired to write on an event or an emotion... but for this one, it was the "title" that was my inspiration. I wanted to do a blog on being a Queen but I don't really know how to get this one off the ground.... I know I wanted to say "...it's good to be the Queen" (check) and something with "off with his head!!" (still working that one out). So bear with me on this most screwy blog. (This should be fun?!)] - [P.S. Perhaps this read best with a British accent; ya know, to get the full effect!]

I would like it to be noted that I have given considerable thought to my reign as High Queen and that this is something I most certainly do not take lightly.

I believe first and foremost in justice and truth. I can have a sympathetic heart; however support corporal punishment whole-heartily! So with that said, please summon my brother the Royal Idiot-Pain-in-the-Rear. To him I say, "Off with his head!!!" (check that one off)

As for my Coronation, Let us Eat Cake. (sorry, I had too)

Cheers to all my loyal subjects!

a Small World After All...

A quick update to a Potpourri of Sorts -


Today at work we were having a "Town Hall" Safety briefing and when we were wrapping up, one of the Supervisors was telling us about a co-workers wife that was in the hospital. She had had a seizure...


[ gasp ] !! Seizure !!


Yes, low and behold, the lady whom I had witnessed having a seizure is no less than My Co-Workers Wife.


Shocking! What a small world.

So she is in ICU and being moved today. I don't have all the details but my co-worker, her husband, said she wants to meet me when this is all over. She doesn't remember anything so I am guessing it will be good for her to have someone fill in the gaps.


Let's pray for her. That the Lord covers her with His Healing Hands!



May He be Praised for His small world after all.

It's Monday Morning...

...and it starts!

But first a quick recap....

As I said yesterday, "James is a Monster". Allow me to elaborate for a moment.

He was laying on the couch. His son, Kaysten, was laying on the ottoman next to the couch. Mom came into to living room to ask him to mow the back yard. He got angry; kicked, screamed, threw a fit, cussed, cussed, grabbed a pillow and threw it, cussed some more; well, you get the picture. Meanwhile Kaysten stands up to witness this act of childish behavior.

I chime in only to laughingly note that Kaysten is watching this and taking notes. But before I can even get the first word out, James has turned his anger at me and cussing at me to shut the F* up and so on.... Soon Mom is telling me to keep quite and don't antagonize him. I laugh and say I was merely pointing this out, then turn to enter my bedroom where I mostly reside.

Later that evening, James was changing Kaysten's diaper and from closed door and down the hall, I could hear Kaysten crying and James reprimanding him not to cuss. Mom comes running down the hall to find out what was going on and I open the door to observe. James starts justifying that Kaysten was swearing so [James] spanked [Kaysten]. I ask how that was fair when James throws fits and cusses all the time and in front of Kaysten. That James is setting the example.
No one even acknowledged my presence. I walk back into my room.


Now this morning.

I am awoken by the sounds of James screaming at Mom about something and Mom saying "I am leaving in 15 minutes."

I doze off for long enough to be woken up again by more yelling and Mom saying "15 minutes!"

I lay in bed for a minute before I give up sleep and walk into the kitchen. I try to have a concerning and sympathetic talk with Mom about James but she starts in on me that I am just as bad as he is.
She says I talk to her just as bad and am always criticizing....
(She storms off to her car, all pissed at me.)

.... okay. I give up. Let them all go.

I head to the back room and shortly after I hear her come storming into the house and beat on the bathroom door for James to "hurry up!!" He screams to "Hold on!"

It sounded like she beat the door down and drug him out. He starts screaming "What the H* was wrong with you?!" ...He cussed and yelled some more but I couldn't make it all out because I was trying to hear what Mom was saying as she drug him down the hallway.

Well, they finally slam the front door and are gone! But all the commotion woke Kaysten and scared him to death. He starts crying and I pick him up and hold him.
He is okay now but poor kid. I know no family is perfect but this is ridicules.

I know I am not perfect but I am not bad. [BIG SIGH]

[exasperated] I don't know what is wrong with me or my family. My mom is a smart lady so why is it we can't see what seems so obvious to others. ???? What is the right thing to do???? Just separate myself and let them work out themselves? It seems that there is no place for 'reason' with these people right now.

!!!!!! I feel sick !!!!!!!

a Potpourri of Sorts

(Bear with me on this whirlwind adventure I like to call:

"My Thought Process")

As we were driving around town trying to get my 2 year old nephew to take a nap in the backseat, we decided that Church's sounded good for an early dinner. We pulled up and ordered like any day and waited for our food. As my Mother and I engage in conversation (of which is irrelevant and escapes me anyway), we see a truck in the grass lawn of the building to the right of the drive-thru. We take note but continue on in our discussion. I look back over to see the truck roll into the street and coast diagonally across. I think to myself that it appeared to be going so slow, almost like it was in neutral, but I thought "Surely not" and continued talking to Mom. Slowly it crossed each lane and I even looked to see if cars were coming (and they weren't) and wondered if some overly cautious person was at the wheel or perhaps they were out of gas or some other car trouble. Just as the truck was about to enter the last lane, a black sports car was coming. It honked! I shouted to Mom, "Did you see that!" and went into the details of my perspective. She made a comment or two and then I heard a CRASH! The truck had hit the brick wall of a Car Wash. I shout to call 911 and we frantically search for the cell phone. As we watch from across the street the black sports car comes back around to check on the truck. I see the male driver step out of his car and walk over to the truck. Mom and I wonder if there is even anyone in the truck. Then we see the man try to open the door, which is locked and start looking toward traffic waving his arms for help. I jump out of the car and yell we are calling for help and motioning toward the phone. As Mom is talking to the Operator, I run across the street to see how I can help and if we need the police or an ambulance. As I approach, the man has come around to the passenger side and trying to unlock the door from the cracked passenger window. He succeeds and runs back to the drivers side to open the door. I open the passenger door to see an older black woman, in a brightly colored dress, drooped to the side and her white poodle looking concerned in the passenger seat. The man says he thinks she may be having a stroke or a seizure. I asked if we needed to put a bit in her mouth or rag or something so she won't bite her tongue but he said 'No, there wasn't anything we could do but wait it out.' I see a towel on the back bench (seat) and start to pull it out. I look over and she was what appeared to be chewing on her tongue. Blood and spit and possibly small pieces of tongue were being spit from her mouth. I handed the man the towel and asked if we should get a blanket (to prevent shock or something). He took the towel and spoke to the woman that he was going to wipe her face and it was okay and tried to reassure her.

Up to that point, I was trying to recall what to do in those situations. I just wanted to help. But as soon as the man said 'She will be alright', I started to break into tears. This overwhelming emotion hit me. I tried to keep it together and let him know we had already called 911 but I was going to go ask my Mom when they would arrive. I ran back and Mom said they were coming. I recounted the details to her and almost lost it again. We got in our truck and drove across the street to let him know they were on their way. The police came right behind us and the ambulance showed up shortly after. We waited to give our statement and were soon on our way.

On the drive home, my chest hurt from the adrenaline burst wearing off compiled with the helplessness of this poor woman and her bloody tongue. We couldn't even imagine everything the Good Samaritan in the black sports car must be going through. -Poor guy. I hope he is alright.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


My brother has to be a raving lunatic again and Mom is quick to tell me to be quite and not to set him straight. HE IS A MONSTER! and she just pacifies him apparently (which is all the justification he needs).

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

So as the day is winding down, my thoughts drift off to the last time I crossed paths with Glenn. I thought about how I reacted and wondered 'why?' when I had made such progress in forgiveness, or so I thought. Then I thought about baggage (ya know how 'they' say we all carry around baggage). I had this idea that instead of carrying around my heavy 'father issues baggage', I just dealt with it the best I could and then set it down. After all, no need in carrying all that excess baggage around. [I love analogies].
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


Then I thought back to an ol' friend and wondered if I should put my hurt aside and let him know I am proud of him and happy for him. So I sent an email to say just that...in so many words.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


Then I thought I needed to blog about all of this and here I am. I would have been asleep by 9 o'clock but I seem to get my best ideas at night as I am trying to drift off to sleep. And the times I have waited to blog... well, I tend to forget my train of thought or my brilliant title or my deep thought or whatever genius thing it was.... [YAWN!!!! ]
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

okay then,

Good Night All!

...This just in....

My Blog has just passed the 1600 visitors mark!!

Thanks for all your Love and Support!

the Art of Journaling

Many many years ago when I entered my teen years, my Aunt Trisa gave me a journal for Christmas one year. I would occasionally jot down my thoughts though mostly it was a place for me to doodle the name of my crush of the week.

As the years passed and I joined the military, I went through phases where I would journal thoughts or bad days or good times with friends. Then there were the times I just didn't have time or couldn't find the words to sum up EVERYTHING I was feeling or thought.

It is interesting to go back and read those journals though...

Well during those times where I was loyal to "writing", I would buy neat little journals to keep my ponderings and epiphanies. I have one that is pink and I absolutely had to have it because it had such cute little sayings and, even though I was not a big fan of pink then, I simply couldn't pass up the purchase. It had to be mind. Needless to say, I made a few purchases along the way and I have a wonderful little collection of perfectly cute, perfectly brand new-never been used journals.

I LOVE this BLOG! I LOVE MY BLOG!!! I love the colors, the pictures, the readers, the creativity of it all. And since Angi has introduced me to it, I haven't even thought about my cute little journals collecting dust till today.

I think I may try to make some use out of them. I may start writing again. Otherwise they are brightly colored flimsy bookends.

for Me (for my Eulogy)

Here is how I want to be seen - Here is how I want to be remembered.

Here is who I am.

I am Good.

I am Honest.

I am Decent.

I am Loyal.

I am corky, funny, cheesy, silly, witty, dramatic and Sincere.

I am Strong.

I am Independent.

I am Passionate.

I have Class and Poise.

I am a friend, a sister, a daughter, a mother, a wife;

I am somebody and I am Important.

I am Genuine.

I am Open-Minded.

I am Tender-Hearted.

I am Considerate.

I am Forgetful; I am Forgiving

I am Patriotic.

I am Diplomatic.

I am Analytical.

I am Rational.

I am Stubborn.

I am full of Joy! I am Blessed! I am Loved! And I Love!

I am Me.

a Friendly Connection or a Campaign Tour

Lately MySpace has been a useful tool to many ol' friends looking for me. I have reconnected with some high school friends I thought were surely lost along the path of life. I was thrilled that they looked for me; to discover I was not forgotten.

But sometimes one might wonder the motive...

The other day a once dear friend found me on MySpace. This person was my first love and my dearest friend. I loved him and he made me feel like I was his world. He was so important to me. I was dealing with a deadbeat father and a brother and sister to raise. He understood me, he loved me, accepted me, and made me feel like I was the greatest thing God had ever made.

....But high school ended and we moved apart. He found a different path and I wasn't on it.

I found my own way too. I have done a lot in my short 31 years. I gave birth to a son I am proud of and made a family for Tim and Lisa I love to brag about. I joined the Air Force and met some 0f the greatest people on this Earth!! I served my country and worked along side the men and women that fight for freedom. I have traveled and experienced cultures I couldn't have even imagined. I am so thankful for the life God has blessed me with; more so the friends He has blessed me with.

So why now after all this time does he look me up? Why now do I get an email from this person?
Part of me wants to believe that he never forgot me. I have always wanted to be "the one that got away". I want to be the girl they look back on and wonder, "She was great. I wonder what happened to her..."
The other part of me (the part that is hardened and cynical) wonders if I am just a stop on his "Two Dollar 'Campaign' Tour" to promote his music... which admittedly is pretty good. Actually there are a few that are really catchy.


Well, I guess you never know till you leap....

To Be-at Or Not To Be-at

Definitely To Beat!!!

I am takin' James down. I have ABSOLUTELY HAD ENOUGH!!!

So today the real question is what to beat him with. Of course my pulse instinct was my fist; but let's be real: that wouldn't do anything and probably hurt me worse and just get him madder. So my next thought was a bat... What?! It would be wooden! Seriously folks, I am not kidding here!

But after a quick discussion with my cousin we threw out the bad idea and tossed around getting a whip!

Cool, huh! (I will have to get the entire ensemble and but it would be worth it... ). Problem is, I don't really know how to work a whip and could do more damage to myself.

So that moved on to a switch (which isn't quite as cool and doesn't make the same sound but still stings pretty bad). So now I will have to go cut a switch behind the barn kind-of-thing!

But then it came to me!!! An Air Pressure Gun! I am now in the market for a Air Pressure gun that shoots little rubber pellets or balls (or whatever)!!

I am not trying to kill anybody, just bring about some pain...

My earlier blogs were venting because I was trying to reason with my brother and make him understand and learn. To Evolve into a better person. I have since had to give up that hope.

This is now about having self respect. I Will Not Tolerate being spoken to in such as manner as he does. He cusses. He screams, spits, shouts, swears and calls me un-godly names. If I were a man, I would take him outside and lay him out cold. As I am not, I will have to resort to other measures -- like an Air Pressured Gun.

I may not be able to deck him in the face; but I guarantee I will leave some lovely whelps on his back... now my temptation will be not to aim for his head!!!

So any comments?

Do you have a better suggestion?

Perhaps a better weapon??

Do you think I have completely lost it???

I welcome all comments as to my dilemma. In fact, let's make it a contest!!!

(Yea!! My first contest)

For all those who leave a comment, their name will be put in for a drawing. The prize will be a $30 MaryKay Gift Certificate!

a Glimpse at Examining Inner Demons

Recently, as some of you have been reading, my brother has become a daily disturbance in my life. And if it isn't him, it is my mother taking up for him.

I have so much bottled up inside me bursting to break free. I have thoughts of tying him up and gagging him so I can out pour all the things I want and need to say. I want to preach, lecture, beg, plead. I want to force him to watch every poignant(sp) movie about being a good parent/sibling/human.
I want to hit him. I want to hurt him. I want to scream and inflict pain upon him. I want to tell him I love him and I want good for him. I want to make him understand how much he is hurting me and this family. AAAARRRGGGHHHH!!!!!

...but I won't. I won't ever do any of those things. I couldn't. For one, there is no telling the repercussions I would face (defeated chuckle). But, and perhaps more importantly, it wouldn't be right... would it? I mean, those things aren't proper or appropriate. One doesn't lose one's temper in such a way! Not in a civilized society. A lady simply doesn't behave poorly.

I have thought "What if I got drunk enough that my inhibitions went and I could say those things and even take a few swings..." ...But I couldn't do that either! Even drunk...damnit!



What inner demons live in us? What dwells within our own conscience that brings about such dark thoughts and conjures up evil things? And what else weighs on our conscience that keeps the demons only dreaming and not released?

There were times in my earlier life I would think, "I would never..." but surprisingly, I did. Perhaps I was caught up in the moment. Perhaps, despite everything I knew better, I gave into my desires. Perhaps I just needed to fulfil a basic human need.

There are things I really really wish I could do, but I honestly don't think I could (like tell off my brother).

Are there really little devils and angels sitting on our shoulders and whispering into our ears? If so, that little devil certainly knows how to get me roweled up.

Either way, they are making me crazy!!

Expectations

I have a problem.


I have expectations. Of my self and others. I expect that people have a purpose. I expect that the human race is ultimately good. For people to have manners and courtesy and values and goals. I don't think that everyones goal is to be President or CEO (rich or powerful) but just to be a better person. To be a good human being. To be kind and gracious. To have a better understanding of the people around us or just ourselves. That we continually evolve to be better versions of ourselves. I know none of us are perfect, but shouldn't we strive to be at least better!?!

This problem is very real and very serious. See, because there are people who don't care or evolve for the better; instead they degress, and this upsets me.

This makes me crazy. What a waste. A waste of space, air, time, effort... Some of the most pondered questions are "What is our purpose? What does it all mean? What is the meaing of the Universe?" It would seem that we would seek to learn the answers. Yet it is painfully apparent that there are those whose only purpose seems to be to loaf. (Perhaps those people evolved from leeches.)

Alas, I need help with this problem. How do I come to terms with the likes of this plague?

An Intimate Moment

I haven't had a beau in over 7 years and I haven't been "intimate" in 4 years.

But you know what I miss most? Kissing.

You know what I long for? Hugs and cuddles.

I miss being in love. I miss watching movies on the couch all curled up together. I miss sleeping in the arms of someone who loves me. I miss holding hands. I miss strong gentle hands through my hair. I miss touches on my cheek or shoulder.

I want to have conversations about what to do for dinner. I want to discuss wheat bread over white bread or which detergant did we not like. I want to have pillow talk on rainy Sundays wrapped in each others arms. I want to plan weekend getaways and how we are are going to spend our retirement. I want to listen to him and I want him to want to listen to me. I want to be in love.

Lasting Love.


Am I a hopeless romantic?

A silly girl who daydreams too often?

Is that really too much to ask for?

Work-aholic

Hello, my name is Jodi and I am a work-aholic.

I guess it must have started in the military...though it might have been even before that. While staitoned in Florida, I would stay late to get caught up on the work that hadn't been done for doing another persons or helping customers. (Though it seems I did have some form of a social life then).

Then I went on to Korea and often worked weekends. In fact, on one occasion, the Commander actually ordered me to go home.

Then it was off to Germany, but to be honest, it was Europe and I tried to make the most of it. I didn't travel as much as I should have or would have liked to... but I was working (shaking my head and sighing).

.... I am sure you get the idea by now.


I think people are workaholics for different reasons. Some are very goal oriented... but I don't think that is me. Some are power driven to climb the ladder... but I am not that either. No, I am the one who, while I really do have a lot of work, uses it as an excuse to not go home and be lonely or bored or deal with family who is at home. ...at least that is my theory.

My mother has a different theory. She says that I have a need to please people. She says that I do this to seek approval and be liked. ...Let's evaluate this, shall we.

Let's see. First, I am the oldest and had to be responsible for two toddlers. If I didn't do a good job, I was beaten...(No, I am kidding, I am not Sybil). I was punished though and usually that meant grounded. Which what was the difference, I had to be home whether I was or wasn't because she was going to school all day and worked at night. It wasn't like my "father" was around to help.
Secondly, while I might have been the oldest, my brother came next and he is the only son (spoiled), the miracle baby because Mom didn't think she could have anymore (spoiled rotten), and then had complications with birth and was premature (filthy stinking brat)! Then there is my sister who is the baby... need I say more. This was my competition. The precious boy and the baby girl. I was just there to take care of them (and that is how I felt). I could never finish a story to Mom for their interuptions. I was always in trouble for their breaks, messes, or deliberat falls. Of course I was craving for attention!!!


So back to the military; a female Chief Master Sergeant came to address a group of us one day about her career. I think the "intension" was probably "How to make Chief" or something to that effect. Instead it seemed more heart-warming. She confessed that while she had achieved a prestegious military rank, she had sacrificed so much more to get there. She had lost her family. She made it very clear that one must know what is more important to them; family or career. It is very hard to balance both and one tends to lose sight of or take for granted the things that matter most.
I took that very much to heart. I didn't want to be a lonely spinster and have no one but just my name on a door. ...but since I don't have a husband, I guess if I have to put myself into something, it might as well be work. Besides, I believe in taking pride in ones work.



So what makes me a workaholic? Well, I know I need to get out and I really want to but I can't seem to stop. I seem to have a crutch, called work. How ironic is that?!?!

I have such dreams. I think about taking some classes, but I just don't have the time. I think about joining a theatrical group, but when will I find the time? I need to meet other people but I just have so much work to do, I can't leave now. ... maybe next week... next month.... later.


My greatest fear is being alone. Of working and working and never finding anyone. Of losing myself and my identity to my work and never finding anyone to share my life with.

Light in the Dark Hours

Recently I found myself in a Dark Place. It is a hard place to be in. To know that despite knowing better, my mind would still conjour up such dark thoughts; such depressing and overwhelming feelings. I found an interesting blog that served as a support group of sorts, to remind me others go through this too. I felt a little like "Girl Interrupted".

But the real ray of light in my dark hours were my friends. They are wonderful! Heather wrote me from the other side of the planet (Korea) to check on me and see if I was okay. Dawn sent a message of love and compassion! Even an ol' beau took the time to drop a line of concern and empathy.

I know I am rich with blessings of wonderful friends. I am eternally thankful for each of them. I never lose sight of that! I just wished they were a little closer (sigh).

Thank you for being a ray of light in my dark hours.

a Dark Place

I am depressed. I am lonely. I am in a place with no friends and no love-life. I feel like no one cares about me, how I feel, or what I think. I feel like I should shut my mouth and not speak again. Never to burden anyone with my troubles, thoughts or opinions. I honestly feel like I just don't want to be alive here. I want to be in a bright, warm and happy place. This place is dark, cold, lonely and depressing. I feel alone, uncared for here. (Disclaimer: I AM NOT SUICIDAL AND WILL NOT ATTEMPT HURTING MYSELF)

It is kinda scary feeling this way. It feels like I am losing a battle for my sanity.

Aside from turning 32 in a few weeks and still single, having no romantic interests, local friends to hang out with, no one to really talk to, dating prospects, cultural hangouts or anything resembeling a social life; my life is okay.

I really don't have a reason to feel depressed. ...but I do.... and in a big way.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!!

Today is Nicholas' Birthday!!

They grow up so fast. He will be 12 and that blows my mind. So much has happened yet it seems like it hasn't been that long. It just feels like a whole lot of things happened all at once in a very short period of time...

(sigh)

But he is growing...

...and growing, and growing....

I am still so proud of him for the son he is and the brother he is and the family he makes and the man I hope he will be.

Horizon

In the eye of a storm, it is calm and clear while the storm wages around you. It is like having clarity in the middle of ciaos.

These last several weeks have been quite insanely busy at work. With trying to tie up all of last years hours, carry over any remaining time and get the new year ready, I am definitely ready for a break. On top of all that craziness, my troublesome brother has had to move back home since he hadn't been responsible to take care of himself. Alas, home has not been the refuge it once was (which gave me that much more motivation to work as late as possible before retiring to my down comforter).

Well, this last week I came home to a quite house. No television blaring, No boy with remote channel surfing from Mom's couch, Nothing. Mom came from down the hall to announce that James was in jail and he would be there for about 2 weeks. Then there was a quip about how I must be happy... (Now was that really necessary?!?!)

The moment had come. I could wait no longer. It had to be said. I began in defense of myself (as calmly and monotone without raising my voice) stating that wasn't true. I didn't want him hurt or in trouble but simply he isn't responsible.

He wasn't responsible enough to keep his job or search for other employment.

He wasn't responsible enough to pay his utilities to keep his electricity on which is why he was sitting in his truck at 3 in the morning rev-ing his engine to keep warm.

He wasn't responsible enough to pay his rent which is why he was evicted.

He wasn't responsible enough to take care of his own truck which is why he had to borrow our sisters truck to get around.

He wasn't responsible enough to pay his insurance so when the truck did incinerate, he wouldn't receive a claim.

I don't have sympathy for him because all his trouble or misery is his own doing. Then I told her that I knew she didn't want to hear this but for my own therapy I needed to say it. I am sick of being the oldest. I am sick of having to be the responsible one. I am sick of always being the bad guy because I don't have sympathy for him. I am sick of her always taking his side. Not that she defends him but that she doesn't back me. She expects me to be nice or let it go or not say anything to pacify him. He is the cursing, swearing, spitting, filthy, monster and yet I am the one reprimanded.

I told her all of that and she heard me. We actually talked. Finally. She asked why I always stayed locked up in my room and I explained it was to keep the peace. I couldn't say anything without him yelling at me or being offended because I didn't dance around the truth. I just assume not listen to him rant about what was on the tv or screaming to gain control of the remote or hear him go on as if he were the resident PhD of all the Universal Unanswered Questions. She accusationed about why was I waking up at 4am to get ready for work when I didn't have to be there till 8am and I answered by asking her why she goes on and on about her day and her co-workers but never even asks me anything about my day. A lot of things were finally put on the table and I hope it was finally understood.

The last few days have been very nice. We have laughed and talked and it is much nicer with him out of the house. ...but it won't last forever.

So I am looking for my a place of my own. My own house. I have started the process. I have a realtor and a long list of homes to look through.

I know the storm is still circling around me but for now, I am taking comfort in the Eye. The Horizon is visible and I am happy for it.

and Exhale

After a long weekend, I need a rest.

But today, like typical Mondays go, my head was spinning in 10 different directions and I am just trying to keep up!


It all started Friday night when I decided to hang out with the guys! I wanted to be cool and prove my worth and show I can hang with the best. After all, I had spent 8 years in the military and I was no wimp! So I meet up with them at Hammerheads and the drinking commences! I hadn't eaten since lunch and I knew I really should get some food in me....but did I?? NO! Why would I do that? Because I am foolish! None of the guys were eating and I had to play cool. (Idiot!) So the Smirnoff keep coming and then someone really wants to do a shot. And I am cool and can hang with the best so I say okay!!! (Imbecile) ....let's just skip ahead, shall we?!
Needless to say, I throw my brains out on the beach, ride home with my head out of the car window like a seasick dog, lose my left lung on the front lawn, flushed my right lung sometime later, and then systematically began to chunk parts of my stomach lining out after that. No amount of water, dry toast, oatmeal or apple juice would stop the spasms. I wanted death... but it did not come. Why? Well folks, that is easy. One must live through these things so they can relive the embarrassment when the see their fellow bar goers (or coworkers). Alas, this too shall pass.

Saturday I spent the morning running laps between bed and toilet till I finally had enough strength to breath without gagging. I went to get my truck and stopped in for a little work. Visited a friend and regaled in the previous nights antics!

Sunday, I did a little laundry, went on the boat to enjoy the beautiful weather, and by the time we were heading back to shore, a brush fire started on one of the islands out on the Gulf and I found myself crouching down on the boat floor just to breath and keep my eyes from burning. Aww, what a day... but wait, there is more. The evening ended by cooking Onion Tart for Monday's Potluck.

Monday is now winding to a close and I feel the anticipation of sinking down into my soft bed and sleeping like hibernating bear cubs.

Good night and best of luck on tomorrow.

Rockwell Wednesday

I love this picture. It says so much to me.

These men and boys looking at this soldier with such wonder.
Wondering: What has he seen? What has he done? Where has he been? What was it like?

And here sits a young man. A soldier.
Wondering: Do they know what it was like; what I went through? Would they understand? Could I ever explain it? How do you explain the unexplainable? The images, the sounds, the smells....


What does it say to you??