Recently, as some of you have been reading, my brother has become a daily disturbance in my life. And if it isn't him, it is my mother taking up for him.
I have so much bottled up inside me bursting to break free. I have thoughts of tying him up and gagging him so I can out pour all the things I want and need to say. I want to preach, lecture, beg, plead. I want to force him to watch every poignant(sp) movie about being a good parent/sibling/human.
I want to hit him. I want to hurt him. I want to scream and inflict pain upon him. I want to tell him I love him and I want good for him. I want to make him understand how much he is hurting me and this family. AAAARRRGGGHHHH!!!!!
...but I won't. I won't ever do any of those things. I couldn't. For one, there is no telling the repercussions I would face (defeated chuckle). But, and perhaps more importantly, it wouldn't be right... would it? I mean, those things aren't proper or appropriate. One doesn't lose one's temper in such a way! Not in a civilized society. A lady simply doesn't behave poorly.
I have thought "What if I got drunk enough that my inhibitions went and I could say those things and even take a few swings..." ...But I couldn't do that either! Even drunk...damnit!
What inner demons live in us? What dwells within our own conscience that brings about such dark thoughts and conjures up evil things? And what else weighs on our conscience that keeps the demons only dreaming and not released?
There were times in my earlier life I would think, "I would never..." but surprisingly, I did. Perhaps I was caught up in the moment. Perhaps, despite everything I knew better, I gave into my desires. Perhaps I just needed to fulfil a basic human need.
There are things I really really wish I could do, but I honestly don't think I could (like tell off my brother).
Are there really little devils and angels sitting on our shoulders and whispering into our ears? If so, that little devil certainly knows how to get me roweled up.
Either way, they are making me crazy!!
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