Losing myself in Self Analysis

I have come to the very real and serious decision that I need counseling.

It has been an emotionally taxing holiday. The irony is, it was my decision to have a big holiday with the family. When asked about what I wanted to do this Christmas, I said since it was my first Christmas out of the military and it had been 8 years since we had all been together, I wanted a big family Christmas. .... I had to open my big fat mouth, didn't I!?!

My brother alone is enough to drive anyone off a cliff or to vote in favor of the death penalty. It seemed everything I did while at my grandparents was "bitchy". ... actually, it started before that....

My Mom had planned for she and I to drive both our SUVs 4.5 hours to get my brother the week before Christmas, load her truck and mine up, drive back, unload and then turn around and drive back up the following weekend. That didn't happen. He wanted to stay [despite the fact he didn't have a truck (it had caught fire and been incinerated), no job for several months, no electricity, and was about to be evicted] to be with his girlfriend (who may or may not be pregnant). So she decided we would just get him when we went home for Christmas; however, she kept asking if I was working the Friday before or if I could get off. ( I don't have vacation or holiday time. I am a temp so I get paid only for the time I am there and I needed to make my 40 hours.) I said I would try to make up as many hours as I could so I could get off early. (She must have forgotten because she asked me several other times.)

So my sister and her husband comes down the week before to stay with us before we load up and drive to my grandparents. Now my Mom, Sister, and Bro-in-law are all smokers. I am not. I would on occasion but began to get terribly ill so had to stop (thankfully). So I come home and we are all watching a movie. My sister lights up. She finishes. She opens the french door, lights up again, throws the lighter to my Mom, and Mom lights up. I am tired and don't want to be in the room so I get up, walk out, and close my bedroom door. I can not stand the smell of it and being a small living room with 3 smokers is gross!!! So I must have upset my sister because later I hear Mom shouting from across the house how I am so rude!
-I am so rude???? How is that? How am I rude because I got up and didn't say anything?-
So shortly after, my sister comes in my room and asks if I want to watch the other movie. I said no, that I was tired and was just going to go to bed. -- Then the TV roars with the sound of Twentieth Century Fox. I had already climbed in bed and wasn't getting out ... so I yelled at Mom to come in my room. (Now, please keep in mind that I had been working long hours to make up Friday time. And Oh-by-the-way, I wasn't going to work Friday so we could leave early so all the more time I had to make up. Needless to say I was very tired). Mom comes in and I (admittedly have a hateful tone) begin by saying I wasn't rude for walking out. She cuts in with I was huffy and slammed the door. I interrupted by reminding her I was working long hours, was very tired because I was trying to be off Friday for her, and could she keep the volume down. She storms out and the volume was eventually turned down a few minutes later ( I am sure only to prove her point).
I did try to apologize the following morning (though I also used the opportunity to reiterate my point) but it wasn't very well received.

(flash forward to grandparents) We wake up and most everyone was in the kitchen making breakfast and getting coffee. I had opted to stay out of my brothers way and stayed in the bedroom busying myself by making the bed and tidying up. I entered the kitchen just in time to get a half a piece of bacon and a single piece of toast still left on the table. As I reached down for the toast, my sister with a mouth stuffed of eggs, bacon, toast; grunts at me indicating she had dibs on the last piece of toast. I scoff that I was so sorry, spin on my heals and walk out of the kitchen back to the bedroom. Later I pull her in the bedroom to have a little chat. She said I had been very crabby all week. So I start by asking her how many pieces of toast she had? How many eggs? How much bacon? I then tell her that I had a half a piece of bacon that was left on the table and was hoping for the toast before she barked at me. She defends that she thought I had already eaten. I then explain about the other night when I left the living room because of the smoke and how I was working a lot of hours and was very tired. I wanted to know why was everyone so quick to be upset with me but no one even ask if I was okay or what was going on with me???

So later my Aunt and I talk and I bend her ear about the whole thing. She shares her perspective with me that my sister was treated like a 3rd class citizen, my brother was always having excuses made for him, and I was having to except blame and responsibility for both of them.
I knew about my brother. It was something I saw very clearly and it drove me crazy and I felt very much like everything was somehow my fault, whether it was or wasn't, I couldn't win. But I didn't know about my sister. I could see how that could be. I never felt a bond with her like I did with my brother when they were babies. I did feel bad for her. We just never really talked or bonded. She is 10 years younger than me so we never had anything to talk about. To me, she was a bratty little baby. The oldest vs the youngest kinda thing, I guess.


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I thought I had come to terms with my history ("baggage" if you will). But I felt very much like I opened a closet door and it poured out and knocked me off my feet.
My Mom is still making excuses for my brother and telling me how I am so selfish and self-centered and self-absorbed and think only of myself and how I feel and what I want and not of anyone else. And I guess I still don't really know how to relate to my poor little sister. I still feel bad for her. I wish I knew how to fix me and how to heal this family.


So there you have it. I need therapy! I guess it will be my New Years Resolution (even though I don't really believe in those - but I do believe in bettering oneself).

Cheers.