from Love to Disdain

Since I was old enough to talk, I wanted Mom to have another baby for so long and 8 years later, she did. When my brother was born, I was in Love! I rocked him to sleep and carried him around. He was so beautiful and precious. Those heart string were sewn all through me.

As time goes and he grew up, he became a monster. A hideous snarling mangy 23 yr old monster. He cusses and screams at me all the time. It is impossible to have a conversation with him. He has been in jail at least twice and calls Mom to bail him out. He doesn't have a truck payment because Mom let him use my sisters old truck but he doesn't take care of it. Then complains that it is crap and wants Mom to fix it. He hasn't paid rent in months, has no electricity and is probably about to be evicted. He has had his license revoked from too many tickets and DUIs. He calls Mom almost, if not everyday and asks for help.

He disgusts me. I have such disdain for him. He enrages me. I morn the loss of my precious baby brother. What happened to that little boy? There is no talking to this monster! I want to box his face in. I want to strap his hands and feet together, stuff a gag in his mouth and make him watch hours of video of families that lost kids from drunk drivers or kids that lost parents because of a drunk driver. I want to rant and lecture and plead and preach and talk some sense to him. I want to make it perfectly clear that he is ruining his life. That his actions have consequences. Why can't he see that??? Not only that, but what he does effects others.

His son is growing up with a worse father than he had. He doesn't want to be like his (our) father yet he is just as bad. He came down one weekend and spent more time watching tv than spending time outside playing with his son. He has no patience or tolerance at all and just as little for his own child. He fears that his new gal may be pregnant. Yet again, not taking responsibility for his actions and preventing accidents from happening.

What is wrong with him?? What is wrong with the world that people like this exist? How is this person and I from the same gene pool???

How do I deal with someone that used to be so precious and I loved so dearly, that is now hideous, foul, crude, rude, vulgar, repugnant and I wouldn't waste my spit on. He is family. Family is supposed to be about tolerance, understanding and love. I have tried to love him as Christ loves him. Lord knows I have prayed for him. I have had such gut wrenching tear drenched prayers it is ridiculous. I have praised his few accomplishments to encourage him. Nothing seems to work. Nothing seems to stick. It's like the two step - one step forward, two steps back and all your doing is circling the floor.

So pray for me.

Pray for him.

Pray for us all!