Long lost

As we traverse our path of life, people come and go. We make friends, we lose touch, we grow apart; but true friends have a way of coming back.


Take for example, Trisha. I thought I would never find that girl and low and behold, she found me on MySpace!


Or how about Shane, another friend from high school I had lost touch with, but found me on MySpace too. (That darn MySpace - hahaha)


And why not give MySpace another plug! Randy had found me there too. (Now there is a good story).

Randy was my best friend in high school. Now many of you may be saying, "Wait a dog gone minute, I thought Brooke was?!"

Brooke was my best (girl) friend. But if ever there was a person who knew me better, almost as well as God Himself, it was Randy. He and I were cut from the same fabric it would seem.

Though through the trials of life, our paths seemed to split after high school. I recall the day we last spoke. We were in a crowded bar and he was telling our old class mates his plan for becoming a musician. I cried. I knew at that moment our friendship was over. Our bond was broken. I told Brooke then that it would be the last time we most likely would speak.

Even though he found me a few months ago, we hadn't really spoken till today. It all started because I noticed he had updated (changed) his website and now it didn't show the dates and places he had gigs. I emailed him to inquire and he emailed me back right away. We wrote back and forth a few times and then shared phone numbers because he wanted to "catch up". A short while later the phone rings.
It started off on a general fill in of the last 12 years. Turns out he tried to look me up about 5 years ago while he was in Houston. I was in Germany at the time and my sister didn't mention he had called.
~~(sigh) .... It is funny I guess. The whole time I am on the phone, my voice seems shaky, my heart beat is faster, I can't breath right and I feel jittery. It is weird how after so much time, old feelings can come out of no where and for no apparent reason.
I am so happy in my life with Marlin. He is truly wonderful and beyond a shadow of a doubt the one for me. With out question, I love him! but so weird how Randy can stir up so much with just entering into my life again (even for a moment)....(sigh)....!!

So looks like Randy may be moving back to the area. It will be nice to have good ol' friends around; Brooke, Trisha, Randy...
..............(sigh)..............Yup. Good to have ol' friends around.

[break into song and rides off into the sunset]

"Then sings my soul, my Saviour God to Thee! How great Thou art! How Great Thou Art!"....

a vaca w/ Heather

Heather arrived in town yesterday.

We went grocery shopping and took it easy yesterday.

Today we spent the day downtown at the Riverwalk. We went to Ripley's Believe it or Not! and the Wax Museum. Ripley's was neat but the Wax Museum was disappointing. But the Riverwalk is still a lovey stroll and very nice.

Tomorrow is a wine probe through Fredericksburg and Stonewall. We are both looking really really forward to it.

(pictures will be posted soon.)

Stay tuned....

It's Monday Morning...

...and it starts!

But first a quick recap....

As I said yesterday, "James is a Monster". Allow me to elaborate for a moment.

He was laying on the couch. His son, Kaysten, was laying on the ottoman next to the couch. Mom came into to living room to ask him to mow the back yard. He got angry; kicked, screamed, threw a fit, cussed, cussed, grabbed a pillow and threw it, cussed some more; well, you get the picture. Meanwhile Kaysten stands up to witness this act of childish behavior.

I chime in only to laughingly note that Kaysten is watching this and taking notes. But before I can even get the first word out, James has turned his anger at me and cussing at me to shut the F* up and so on.... Soon Mom is telling me to keep quite and don't antagonize him. I laugh and say I was merely pointing this out, then turn to enter my bedroom where I mostly reside.

Later that evening, James was changing Kaysten's diaper and from closed door and down the hall, I could hear Kaysten crying and James reprimanding him not to cuss. Mom comes running down the hall to find out what was going on and I open the door to observe. James starts justifying that Kaysten was swearing so [James] spanked [Kaysten]. I ask how that was fair when James throws fits and cusses all the time and in front of Kaysten. That James is setting the example.
No one even acknowledged my presence. I walk back into my room.


Now this morning.

I am awoken by the sounds of James screaming at Mom about something and Mom saying "I am leaving in 15 minutes."

I doze off for long enough to be woken up again by more yelling and Mom saying "15 minutes!"

I lay in bed for a minute before I give up sleep and walk into the kitchen. I try to have a concerning and sympathetic talk with Mom about James but she starts in on me that I am just as bad as he is.
She says I talk to her just as bad and am always criticizing....
(She storms off to her car, all pissed at me.)

.... okay. I give up. Let them all go.

I head to the back room and shortly after I hear her come storming into the house and beat on the bathroom door for James to "hurry up!!" He screams to "Hold on!"

It sounded like she beat the door down and drug him out. He starts screaming "What the H* was wrong with you?!" ...He cussed and yelled some more but I couldn't make it all out because I was trying to hear what Mom was saying as she drug him down the hallway.

Well, they finally slam the front door and are gone! But all the commotion woke Kaysten and scared him to death. He starts crying and I pick him up and hold him.
He is okay now but poor kid. I know no family is perfect but this is ridicules.

I know I am not perfect but I am not bad. [BIG SIGH]

[exasperated] I don't know what is wrong with me or my family. My mom is a smart lady so why is it we can't see what seems so obvious to others. ???? What is the right thing to do???? Just separate myself and let them work out themselves? It seems that there is no place for 'reason' with these people right now.

!!!!!! I feel sick !!!!!!!

a Friendly Connection or a Campaign Tour

Lately MySpace has been a useful tool to many ol' friends looking for me. I have reconnected with some high school friends I thought were surely lost along the path of life. I was thrilled that they looked for me; to discover I was not forgotten.

But sometimes one might wonder the motive...

The other day a once dear friend found me on MySpace. This person was my first love and my dearest friend. I loved him and he made me feel like I was his world. He was so important to me. I was dealing with a deadbeat father and a brother and sister to raise. He understood me, he loved me, accepted me, and made me feel like I was the greatest thing God had ever made.

....But high school ended and we moved apart. He found a different path and I wasn't on it.

I found my own way too. I have done a lot in my short 31 years. I gave birth to a son I am proud of and made a family for Tim and Lisa I love to brag about. I joined the Air Force and met some 0f the greatest people on this Earth!! I served my country and worked along side the men and women that fight for freedom. I have traveled and experienced cultures I couldn't have even imagined. I am so thankful for the life God has blessed me with; more so the friends He has blessed me with.

So why now after all this time does he look me up? Why now do I get an email from this person?
Part of me wants to believe that he never forgot me. I have always wanted to be "the one that got away". I want to be the girl they look back on and wonder, "She was great. I wonder what happened to her..."
The other part of me (the part that is hardened and cynical) wonders if I am just a stop on his "Two Dollar 'Campaign' Tour" to promote his music... which admittedly is pretty good. Actually there are a few that are really catchy.


Well, I guess you never know till you leap....

An Intimate Moment

I haven't had a beau in over 7 years and I haven't been "intimate" in 4 years.

But you know what I miss most? Kissing.

You know what I long for? Hugs and cuddles.

I miss being in love. I miss watching movies on the couch all curled up together. I miss sleeping in the arms of someone who loves me. I miss holding hands. I miss strong gentle hands through my hair. I miss touches on my cheek or shoulder.

I want to have conversations about what to do for dinner. I want to discuss wheat bread over white bread or which detergant did we not like. I want to have pillow talk on rainy Sundays wrapped in each others arms. I want to plan weekend getaways and how we are are going to spend our retirement. I want to listen to him and I want him to want to listen to me. I want to be in love.

Lasting Love.


Am I a hopeless romantic?

A silly girl who daydreams too often?

Is that really too much to ask for?

Light in the Dark Hours

Recently I found myself in a Dark Place. It is a hard place to be in. To know that despite knowing better, my mind would still conjour up such dark thoughts; such depressing and overwhelming feelings. I found an interesting blog that served as a support group of sorts, to remind me others go through this too. I felt a little like "Girl Interrupted".

But the real ray of light in my dark hours were my friends. They are wonderful! Heather wrote me from the other side of the planet (Korea) to check on me and see if I was okay. Dawn sent a message of love and compassion! Even an ol' beau took the time to drop a line of concern and empathy.

I know I am rich with blessings of wonderful friends. I am eternally thankful for each of them. I never lose sight of that! I just wished they were a little closer (sigh).

Thank you for being a ray of light in my dark hours.

a Dark Place

I am depressed. I am lonely. I am in a place with no friends and no love-life. I feel like no one cares about me, how I feel, or what I think. I feel like I should shut my mouth and not speak again. Never to burden anyone with my troubles, thoughts or opinions. I honestly feel like I just don't want to be alive here. I want to be in a bright, warm and happy place. This place is dark, cold, lonely and depressing. I feel alone, uncared for here. (Disclaimer: I AM NOT SUICIDAL AND WILL NOT ATTEMPT HURTING MYSELF)

It is kinda scary feeling this way. It feels like I am losing a battle for my sanity.

Aside from turning 32 in a few weeks and still single, having no romantic interests, local friends to hang out with, no one to really talk to, dating prospects, cultural hangouts or anything resembeling a social life; my life is okay.

I really don't have a reason to feel depressed. ...but I do.... and in a big way.

Horizon

In the eye of a storm, it is calm and clear while the storm wages around you. It is like having clarity in the middle of ciaos.

These last several weeks have been quite insanely busy at work. With trying to tie up all of last years hours, carry over any remaining time and get the new year ready, I am definitely ready for a break. On top of all that craziness, my troublesome brother has had to move back home since he hadn't been responsible to take care of himself. Alas, home has not been the refuge it once was (which gave me that much more motivation to work as late as possible before retiring to my down comforter).

Well, this last week I came home to a quite house. No television blaring, No boy with remote channel surfing from Mom's couch, Nothing. Mom came from down the hall to announce that James was in jail and he would be there for about 2 weeks. Then there was a quip about how I must be happy... (Now was that really necessary?!?!)

The moment had come. I could wait no longer. It had to be said. I began in defense of myself (as calmly and monotone without raising my voice) stating that wasn't true. I didn't want him hurt or in trouble but simply he isn't responsible.

He wasn't responsible enough to keep his job or search for other employment.

He wasn't responsible enough to pay his utilities to keep his electricity on which is why he was sitting in his truck at 3 in the morning rev-ing his engine to keep warm.

He wasn't responsible enough to pay his rent which is why he was evicted.

He wasn't responsible enough to take care of his own truck which is why he had to borrow our sisters truck to get around.

He wasn't responsible enough to pay his insurance so when the truck did incinerate, he wouldn't receive a claim.

I don't have sympathy for him because all his trouble or misery is his own doing. Then I told her that I knew she didn't want to hear this but for my own therapy I needed to say it. I am sick of being the oldest. I am sick of having to be the responsible one. I am sick of always being the bad guy because I don't have sympathy for him. I am sick of her always taking his side. Not that she defends him but that she doesn't back me. She expects me to be nice or let it go or not say anything to pacify him. He is the cursing, swearing, spitting, filthy, monster and yet I am the one reprimanded.

I told her all of that and she heard me. We actually talked. Finally. She asked why I always stayed locked up in my room and I explained it was to keep the peace. I couldn't say anything without him yelling at me or being offended because I didn't dance around the truth. I just assume not listen to him rant about what was on the tv or screaming to gain control of the remote or hear him go on as if he were the resident PhD of all the Universal Unanswered Questions. She accusationed about why was I waking up at 4am to get ready for work when I didn't have to be there till 8am and I answered by asking her why she goes on and on about her day and her co-workers but never even asks me anything about my day. A lot of things were finally put on the table and I hope it was finally understood.

The last few days have been very nice. We have laughed and talked and it is much nicer with him out of the house. ...but it won't last forever.

So I am looking for my a place of my own. My own house. I have started the process. I have a realtor and a long list of homes to look through.

I know the storm is still circling around me but for now, I am taking comfort in the Eye. The Horizon is visible and I am happy for it.

and Exhale

After a long weekend, I need a rest.

But today, like typical Mondays go, my head was spinning in 10 different directions and I am just trying to keep up!


It all started Friday night when I decided to hang out with the guys! I wanted to be cool and prove my worth and show I can hang with the best. After all, I had spent 8 years in the military and I was no wimp! So I meet up with them at Hammerheads and the drinking commences! I hadn't eaten since lunch and I knew I really should get some food in me....but did I?? NO! Why would I do that? Because I am foolish! None of the guys were eating and I had to play cool. (Idiot!) So the Smirnoff keep coming and then someone really wants to do a shot. And I am cool and can hang with the best so I say okay!!! (Imbecile) ....let's just skip ahead, shall we?!
Needless to say, I throw my brains out on the beach, ride home with my head out of the car window like a seasick dog, lose my left lung on the front lawn, flushed my right lung sometime later, and then systematically began to chunk parts of my stomach lining out after that. No amount of water, dry toast, oatmeal or apple juice would stop the spasms. I wanted death... but it did not come. Why? Well folks, that is easy. One must live through these things so they can relive the embarrassment when the see their fellow bar goers (or coworkers). Alas, this too shall pass.

Saturday I spent the morning running laps between bed and toilet till I finally had enough strength to breath without gagging. I went to get my truck and stopped in for a little work. Visited a friend and regaled in the previous nights antics!

Sunday, I did a little laundry, went on the boat to enjoy the beautiful weather, and by the time we were heading back to shore, a brush fire started on one of the islands out on the Gulf and I found myself crouching down on the boat floor just to breath and keep my eyes from burning. Aww, what a day... but wait, there is more. The evening ended by cooking Onion Tart for Monday's Potluck.

Monday is now winding to a close and I feel the anticipation of sinking down into my soft bed and sleeping like hibernating bear cubs.

Good night and best of luck on tomorrow.