A sad little fish indeed

I tend to get caught in a thought like a fish caught in a net. I struggle and flip out till I get myself so tangled in a mess, I strangle myself.

This is a very bad habit of mine.

Especially in matters of the heart. I have this ol' friend, or so I once thought. It seemed that this friend could anticipate my thoughts before I even had them. He was my best friend and my first love. We shared the same passions and believed in each other, or so I once thought.

Every so often, that little ghost comes back with the same haunting questions. I have been pondering lately what would I say, or how would I act, if given the chance to come face to face with this person today. ... Let's just say, it isn't a pretty picture. It plays out very soap opera like.

So tonight, while I play the scenario in my head, the idea hits me (in the middle of my imaginary tongue lashing to him), I was wrong. I was wrong when I thought I really knew him. I was wrong when I thought he cared as much for me as I did for him. I was wrong when I thought I was his first love too. At least, it is the only way I can maybe get closure on this and put to rest this haunting ghost.

I was WRONG!

....I knew girls who went crazy on old boyfriends and trashed their stuff or flattened the tires or something. I didn't want to be that girl. I wanted to be the one that 20 years later, that guy looked back and thought, "What ever happened to Jodi?" - Well, most of us stayed friends anyway, but the one guy who I would really want to remember me apparently doesn't have the time.

Not to seem stalker about the whole thing like it was a week long romance but we are talking about my first love, my very best friend, my high school sweetheart.

Alas, I was mistaken. I was misguided. I was naive. I was simply wrong.

The thing about a fish caught in a net, if it doesn't panic and gives itself a little time to think, it can get free of the strangling hold the net has on it. It doesn't happen often, but sometimes, that little fish might break free.

Long lost

As we traverse our path of life, people come and go. We make friends, we lose touch, we grow apart; but true friends have a way of coming back.


Take for example, Trisha. I thought I would never find that girl and low and behold, she found me on MySpace!


Or how about Shane, another friend from high school I had lost touch with, but found me on MySpace too. (That darn MySpace - hahaha)


And why not give MySpace another plug! Randy had found me there too. (Now there is a good story).

Randy was my best friend in high school. Now many of you may be saying, "Wait a dog gone minute, I thought Brooke was?!"

Brooke was my best (girl) friend. But if ever there was a person who knew me better, almost as well as God Himself, it was Randy. He and I were cut from the same fabric it would seem.

Though through the trials of life, our paths seemed to split after high school. I recall the day we last spoke. We were in a crowded bar and he was telling our old class mates his plan for becoming a musician. I cried. I knew at that moment our friendship was over. Our bond was broken. I told Brooke then that it would be the last time we most likely would speak.

Even though he found me a few months ago, we hadn't really spoken till today. It all started because I noticed he had updated (changed) his website and now it didn't show the dates and places he had gigs. I emailed him to inquire and he emailed me back right away. We wrote back and forth a few times and then shared phone numbers because he wanted to "catch up". A short while later the phone rings.
It started off on a general fill in of the last 12 years. Turns out he tried to look me up about 5 years ago while he was in Houston. I was in Germany at the time and my sister didn't mention he had called.
~~(sigh) .... It is funny I guess. The whole time I am on the phone, my voice seems shaky, my heart beat is faster, I can't breath right and I feel jittery. It is weird how after so much time, old feelings can come out of no where and for no apparent reason.
I am so happy in my life with Marlin. He is truly wonderful and beyond a shadow of a doubt the one for me. With out question, I love him! but so weird how Randy can stir up so much with just entering into my life again (even for a moment)....(sigh)....!!

So looks like Randy may be moving back to the area. It will be nice to have good ol' friends around; Brooke, Trisha, Randy...
..............(sigh)..............Yup. Good to have ol' friends around.

[break into song and rides off into the sunset]

"Then sings my soul, my Saviour God to Thee! How great Thou art! How Great Thou Art!"....

a Potpourri of Sorts

(Bear with me on this whirlwind adventure I like to call:

"My Thought Process")

As we were driving around town trying to get my 2 year old nephew to take a nap in the backseat, we decided that Church's sounded good for an early dinner. We pulled up and ordered like any day and waited for our food. As my Mother and I engage in conversation (of which is irrelevant and escapes me anyway), we see a truck in the grass lawn of the building to the right of the drive-thru. We take note but continue on in our discussion. I look back over to see the truck roll into the street and coast diagonally across. I think to myself that it appeared to be going so slow, almost like it was in neutral, but I thought "Surely not" and continued talking to Mom. Slowly it crossed each lane and I even looked to see if cars were coming (and they weren't) and wondered if some overly cautious person was at the wheel or perhaps they were out of gas or some other car trouble. Just as the truck was about to enter the last lane, a black sports car was coming. It honked! I shouted to Mom, "Did you see that!" and went into the details of my perspective. She made a comment or two and then I heard a CRASH! The truck had hit the brick wall of a Car Wash. I shout to call 911 and we frantically search for the cell phone. As we watch from across the street the black sports car comes back around to check on the truck. I see the male driver step out of his car and walk over to the truck. Mom and I wonder if there is even anyone in the truck. Then we see the man try to open the door, which is locked and start looking toward traffic waving his arms for help. I jump out of the car and yell we are calling for help and motioning toward the phone. As Mom is talking to the Operator, I run across the street to see how I can help and if we need the police or an ambulance. As I approach, the man has come around to the passenger side and trying to unlock the door from the cracked passenger window. He succeeds and runs back to the drivers side to open the door. I open the passenger door to see an older black woman, in a brightly colored dress, drooped to the side and her white poodle looking concerned in the passenger seat. The man says he thinks she may be having a stroke or a seizure. I asked if we needed to put a bit in her mouth or rag or something so she won't bite her tongue but he said 'No, there wasn't anything we could do but wait it out.' I see a towel on the back bench (seat) and start to pull it out. I look over and she was what appeared to be chewing on her tongue. Blood and spit and possibly small pieces of tongue were being spit from her mouth. I handed the man the towel and asked if we should get a blanket (to prevent shock or something). He took the towel and spoke to the woman that he was going to wipe her face and it was okay and tried to reassure her.

Up to that point, I was trying to recall what to do in those situations. I just wanted to help. But as soon as the man said 'She will be alright', I started to break into tears. This overwhelming emotion hit me. I tried to keep it together and let him know we had already called 911 but I was going to go ask my Mom when they would arrive. I ran back and Mom said they were coming. I recounted the details to her and almost lost it again. We got in our truck and drove across the street to let him know they were on their way. The police came right behind us and the ambulance showed up shortly after. We waited to give our statement and were soon on our way.

On the drive home, my chest hurt from the adrenaline burst wearing off compiled with the helplessness of this poor woman and her bloody tongue. We couldn't even imagine everything the Good Samaritan in the black sports car must be going through. -Poor guy. I hope he is alright.
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My brother has to be a raving lunatic again and Mom is quick to tell me to be quite and not to set him straight. HE IS A MONSTER! and she just pacifies him apparently (which is all the justification he needs).

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So as the day is winding down, my thoughts drift off to the last time I crossed paths with Glenn. I thought about how I reacted and wondered 'why?' when I had made such progress in forgiveness, or so I thought. Then I thought about baggage (ya know how 'they' say we all carry around baggage). I had this idea that instead of carrying around my heavy 'father issues baggage', I just dealt with it the best I could and then set it down. After all, no need in carrying all that excess baggage around. [I love analogies].
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Then I thought back to an ol' friend and wondered if I should put my hurt aside and let him know I am proud of him and happy for him. So I sent an email to say just that...in so many words.
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Then I thought I needed to blog about all of this and here I am. I would have been asleep by 9 o'clock but I seem to get my best ideas at night as I am trying to drift off to sleep. And the times I have waited to blog... well, I tend to forget my train of thought or my brilliant title or my deep thought or whatever genius thing it was.... [YAWN!!!! ]
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okay then,

Good Night All!

a Friendly Connection or a Campaign Tour

Lately MySpace has been a useful tool to many ol' friends looking for me. I have reconnected with some high school friends I thought were surely lost along the path of life. I was thrilled that they looked for me; to discover I was not forgotten.

But sometimes one might wonder the motive...

The other day a once dear friend found me on MySpace. This person was my first love and my dearest friend. I loved him and he made me feel like I was his world. He was so important to me. I was dealing with a deadbeat father and a brother and sister to raise. He understood me, he loved me, accepted me, and made me feel like I was the greatest thing God had ever made.

....But high school ended and we moved apart. He found a different path and I wasn't on it.

I found my own way too. I have done a lot in my short 31 years. I gave birth to a son I am proud of and made a family for Tim and Lisa I love to brag about. I joined the Air Force and met some 0f the greatest people on this Earth!! I served my country and worked along side the men and women that fight for freedom. I have traveled and experienced cultures I couldn't have even imagined. I am so thankful for the life God has blessed me with; more so the friends He has blessed me with.

So why now after all this time does he look me up? Why now do I get an email from this person?
Part of me wants to believe that he never forgot me. I have always wanted to be "the one that got away". I want to be the girl they look back on and wonder, "She was great. I wonder what happened to her..."
The other part of me (the part that is hardened and cynical) wonders if I am just a stop on his "Two Dollar 'Campaign' Tour" to promote his music... which admittedly is pretty good. Actually there are a few that are really catchy.


Well, I guess you never know till you leap....

I just don't get it...!!

So it would appear that there was all this HYPE about getting my number to an old high school crush. Apparently he had asked to get in touch with me. It has been over a month since this chap asked for my number and I still have not heard from him. Punk!!!

I mean, I understand that guys have a different time table than girls (or whatever) but why would someone ask for a number, and then NOT Call???? That makes no sense. I just don't get it.

[The story: About a month ago, Brooke calls and says she doesn't know the whole story but so-n-so called so-n-so called her to say that {D} wants to get in touch with me. I ask why but said "Fine." She was supposed to get more details. She wasn't able to apparently. Needless to say, she never saw {D} but gave it to so-n-so (a week later), who gave it to {D} a week after that. So {D} has had at the very least 2 weeks to call.

BUT I am NOT waiting all day by the phone! OH NO! I am way to busy for that!!!

I am a girl on the go! I've got places to go and things to do.

I am on the move!!! There is no keeping me down.

( que music )
"Ain't nothin' gonna to break my stride

Nobody's gonna slow me down, oh-no

I got to keep on movin'

Ain't nothin' gonna break my stride

I'm running and I won't touch ground Oh-no,

I got to keep on movin'"

Unexpected Reunion

How excited am I!!! 12 years I tell you! 12 YEARS!!!!

[ When I was in high school, I had my 'click' of friends. We weren't a big group....in fact, we weren't even a group.
There were a few of us from Drama Class that hung out in class. As time goes, we lose touch and grow apart. One of my dear friends more fell off the planet. I can't say how it happened. I think she might have moved and I couldn't find her. Alas, she was gone and what seemed like forever.
I have inquired from my (VBFF) Brooke if there is any word of this disappearing damsel but the answer is always "No". ]

Yesterday I get a friend request from mySpace. Some person writes.... This is Trisha, do you remember me?" (12 Years!) I ask which Trish was this..... "The one from H.S.!"

And here she is with her almost grown beautiful children. My how time flies! I can't believe it.

How excited am I! After all this time, my friend and I are again reunited. I am truly blessed in this life. Not with riches and gold that you can not take with you and doesn't know your name; but with people who remember you and carry your name in their hearts.

Thank you Lord for giving me the riches that matter!

High School Drama

Question: What people still care about what their high school classmates think....?

1. Their glory days were in h.s. and their life seems down hill from there.

2. Some never left the small town so their horizon didn't grow past the city limits.

3. They didn't see themselves as "popular" and despite their accomplishments, they still seek the (perceived) "cool kids" approval.

Admittedly, I was in the 3rd category.

(start dream sequence)

I used to want to go to my h.s. reunion in a stretch limo with a stud on my arm, in a fabulous dress and knock 'em all dead...

(bubble pops)

Recently I have joined the new pop culture "MySpace" club. One of it's great features allows you to be a part of you schools alumni. Just one click on your schools link and you can see all the faces from past to present!

So as I said, " I was in the 3rd category." I used to think I wasn't much of anybody and no one would even remember me. I looked through those faces and hardly recognized any of them. Then I saw 1 familiar friend. Of course you must add each other as friends to your page! (note the sarcasm)

Well as MySpace goes, I start getting all these "friends" request from complete strangers wanting me to "Add" them (or buy something). I'm thinking, "Who Are YOU?" Why would I add you to my friends? No offense folks, but I don't know you. All these people seeking acceptance (or just commercialism). Call me old fashioned or even intimate but I don't see the need to paste complete strangers on MySpace at some desperate attempt for others who view my page to think I'm cool because I know hundreds of scantly clad women or men posing with dead animals, drunk women, or their cars, trucks, dogs or bikes.

So one day I get a message from a girl who went to my ol' "Almamator" asking me to "add" her as a friend. She looks vaguely familiar. We were never friends, we never hung out, so again I wonder "Why add you to my friends?"

So back to the "was" part. I have realized that don't care what those people from h.s. think. I don't care to ever go to a reunion. I've grown, I've moved past those days, h.s. is over. I've kept the friends that mattered and I've made new ones that sculpted me as a better and wiser person. I don't have to seek their approval, they love me just as I am.

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So those of you who just gotta know what some of us have been doing.....

Some of us have a followed a dream and never let it go:

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Some have served well and still found a way to express themselves:

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Some of us really know how to just enjoy the view:









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As for me, I am doing it all!