The hardest thing to do...

...is keep my mouth shut!

I tell myself repeatedly that I am going to keep my mouth shut. But then she goes and pulls some stunt and I can't help myself!

It drives me crazy! It makes me nuts.

• How can you talk about how far behind your kid is and not see that 1.) it is in great part your fault! & 2.) your doing the same thing with the other kid!!


• Your kid is sick. He has a terrible cough and other symptoms; yet you take him out in shorts and no shoes on a cold and rainy day. Seriously?!


• You complain on a regular basis about your children and your sad life, but when given the tools to help, you do nothing. (again point one, your children education). Riddle me this, should a 6 year old know how to tie his shoes and should a 3 year old know his colors by now?? UGH!


• (the list goes on)

I have to blog this because I can't speak about it. It is all I can do to bite my tongue.

I am beside myself right now. Does no one else not feel the need to slap this idiot for being such a bad parent? It is disgraceful.

Rubbish, filth, slime, muck. Putrescence!

Ugh!!

Sharing Prayer

Back when I was in Mississippi, we had a fellowship that met on Sundays. I loved it. Sometimes though, while asking about each others week, some would tend to focus on negative events and frustrations. To direct our focus on a more positive note, I changed the way I asked the question. Instead of asking "How was your week?" I would ask "What praises do you have from this week?" (or something along those lines).

I now face a similar task. I have been in prayer for some of my family who need joy, peace, and God's Grace. They are struggling with physical, mental, and emotional pain. I don't know all their needs or hurts but God does and though I have surrendered my words to Him, I have no idea where to start or what to say.

I want to help them heal. I want to see them better. I have asked for His Guidance and Wisdom.

Pray with me, or pray for me, or give me insight.

Thank you and God's Blessings.

It's Monday Morning...

...and it starts!

But first a quick recap....

As I said yesterday, "James is a Monster". Allow me to elaborate for a moment.

He was laying on the couch. His son, Kaysten, was laying on the ottoman next to the couch. Mom came into to living room to ask him to mow the back yard. He got angry; kicked, screamed, threw a fit, cussed, cussed, grabbed a pillow and threw it, cussed some more; well, you get the picture. Meanwhile Kaysten stands up to witness this act of childish behavior.

I chime in only to laughingly note that Kaysten is watching this and taking notes. But before I can even get the first word out, James has turned his anger at me and cussing at me to shut the F* up and so on.... Soon Mom is telling me to keep quite and don't antagonize him. I laugh and say I was merely pointing this out, then turn to enter my bedroom where I mostly reside.

Later that evening, James was changing Kaysten's diaper and from closed door and down the hall, I could hear Kaysten crying and James reprimanding him not to cuss. Mom comes running down the hall to find out what was going on and I open the door to observe. James starts justifying that Kaysten was swearing so [James] spanked [Kaysten]. I ask how that was fair when James throws fits and cusses all the time and in front of Kaysten. That James is setting the example.
No one even acknowledged my presence. I walk back into my room.


Now this morning.

I am awoken by the sounds of James screaming at Mom about something and Mom saying "I am leaving in 15 minutes."

I doze off for long enough to be woken up again by more yelling and Mom saying "15 minutes!"

I lay in bed for a minute before I give up sleep and walk into the kitchen. I try to have a concerning and sympathetic talk with Mom about James but she starts in on me that I am just as bad as he is.
She says I talk to her just as bad and am always criticizing....
(She storms off to her car, all pissed at me.)

.... okay. I give up. Let them all go.

I head to the back room and shortly after I hear her come storming into the house and beat on the bathroom door for James to "hurry up!!" He screams to "Hold on!"

It sounded like she beat the door down and drug him out. He starts screaming "What the H* was wrong with you?!" ...He cussed and yelled some more but I couldn't make it all out because I was trying to hear what Mom was saying as she drug him down the hallway.

Well, they finally slam the front door and are gone! But all the commotion woke Kaysten and scared him to death. He starts crying and I pick him up and hold him.
He is okay now but poor kid. I know no family is perfect but this is ridicules.

I know I am not perfect but I am not bad. [BIG SIGH]

[exasperated] I don't know what is wrong with me or my family. My mom is a smart lady so why is it we can't see what seems so obvious to others. ???? What is the right thing to do???? Just separate myself and let them work out themselves? It seems that there is no place for 'reason' with these people right now.

!!!!!! I feel sick !!!!!!!

a Potpourri of Sorts

(Bear with me on this whirlwind adventure I like to call:

"My Thought Process")

As we were driving around town trying to get my 2 year old nephew to take a nap in the backseat, we decided that Church's sounded good for an early dinner. We pulled up and ordered like any day and waited for our food. As my Mother and I engage in conversation (of which is irrelevant and escapes me anyway), we see a truck in the grass lawn of the building to the right of the drive-thru. We take note but continue on in our discussion. I look back over to see the truck roll into the street and coast diagonally across. I think to myself that it appeared to be going so slow, almost like it was in neutral, but I thought "Surely not" and continued talking to Mom. Slowly it crossed each lane and I even looked to see if cars were coming (and they weren't) and wondered if some overly cautious person was at the wheel or perhaps they were out of gas or some other car trouble. Just as the truck was about to enter the last lane, a black sports car was coming. It honked! I shouted to Mom, "Did you see that!" and went into the details of my perspective. She made a comment or two and then I heard a CRASH! The truck had hit the brick wall of a Car Wash. I shout to call 911 and we frantically search for the cell phone. As we watch from across the street the black sports car comes back around to check on the truck. I see the male driver step out of his car and walk over to the truck. Mom and I wonder if there is even anyone in the truck. Then we see the man try to open the door, which is locked and start looking toward traffic waving his arms for help. I jump out of the car and yell we are calling for help and motioning toward the phone. As Mom is talking to the Operator, I run across the street to see how I can help and if we need the police or an ambulance. As I approach, the man has come around to the passenger side and trying to unlock the door from the cracked passenger window. He succeeds and runs back to the drivers side to open the door. I open the passenger door to see an older black woman, in a brightly colored dress, drooped to the side and her white poodle looking concerned in the passenger seat. The man says he thinks she may be having a stroke or a seizure. I asked if we needed to put a bit in her mouth or rag or something so she won't bite her tongue but he said 'No, there wasn't anything we could do but wait it out.' I see a towel on the back bench (seat) and start to pull it out. I look over and she was what appeared to be chewing on her tongue. Blood and spit and possibly small pieces of tongue were being spit from her mouth. I handed the man the towel and asked if we should get a blanket (to prevent shock or something). He took the towel and spoke to the woman that he was going to wipe her face and it was okay and tried to reassure her.

Up to that point, I was trying to recall what to do in those situations. I just wanted to help. But as soon as the man said 'She will be alright', I started to break into tears. This overwhelming emotion hit me. I tried to keep it together and let him know we had already called 911 but I was going to go ask my Mom when they would arrive. I ran back and Mom said they were coming. I recounted the details to her and almost lost it again. We got in our truck and drove across the street to let him know they were on their way. The police came right behind us and the ambulance showed up shortly after. We waited to give our statement and were soon on our way.

On the drive home, my chest hurt from the adrenaline burst wearing off compiled with the helplessness of this poor woman and her bloody tongue. We couldn't even imagine everything the Good Samaritan in the black sports car must be going through. -Poor guy. I hope he is alright.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


My brother has to be a raving lunatic again and Mom is quick to tell me to be quite and not to set him straight. HE IS A MONSTER! and she just pacifies him apparently (which is all the justification he needs).

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

So as the day is winding down, my thoughts drift off to the last time I crossed paths with Glenn. I thought about how I reacted and wondered 'why?' when I had made such progress in forgiveness, or so I thought. Then I thought about baggage (ya know how 'they' say we all carry around baggage). I had this idea that instead of carrying around my heavy 'father issues baggage', I just dealt with it the best I could and then set it down. After all, no need in carrying all that excess baggage around. [I love analogies].
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


Then I thought back to an ol' friend and wondered if I should put my hurt aside and let him know I am proud of him and happy for him. So I sent an email to say just that...in so many words.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


Then I thought I needed to blog about all of this and here I am. I would have been asleep by 9 o'clock but I seem to get my best ideas at night as I am trying to drift off to sleep. And the times I have waited to blog... well, I tend to forget my train of thought or my brilliant title or my deep thought or whatever genius thing it was.... [YAWN!!!! ]
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

okay then,

Good Night All!

a Glimpse at Examining Inner Demons

Recently, as some of you have been reading, my brother has become a daily disturbance in my life. And if it isn't him, it is my mother taking up for him.

I have so much bottled up inside me bursting to break free. I have thoughts of tying him up and gagging him so I can out pour all the things I want and need to say. I want to preach, lecture, beg, plead. I want to force him to watch every poignant(sp) movie about being a good parent/sibling/human.
I want to hit him. I want to hurt him. I want to scream and inflict pain upon him. I want to tell him I love him and I want good for him. I want to make him understand how much he is hurting me and this family. AAAARRRGGGHHHH!!!!!

...but I won't. I won't ever do any of those things. I couldn't. For one, there is no telling the repercussions I would face (defeated chuckle). But, and perhaps more importantly, it wouldn't be right... would it? I mean, those things aren't proper or appropriate. One doesn't lose one's temper in such a way! Not in a civilized society. A lady simply doesn't behave poorly.

I have thought "What if I got drunk enough that my inhibitions went and I could say those things and even take a few swings..." ...But I couldn't do that either! Even drunk...damnit!



What inner demons live in us? What dwells within our own conscience that brings about such dark thoughts and conjures up evil things? And what else weighs on our conscience that keeps the demons only dreaming and not released?

There were times in my earlier life I would think, "I would never..." but surprisingly, I did. Perhaps I was caught up in the moment. Perhaps, despite everything I knew better, I gave into my desires. Perhaps I just needed to fulfil a basic human need.

There are things I really really wish I could do, but I honestly don't think I could (like tell off my brother).

Are there really little devils and angels sitting on our shoulders and whispering into our ears? If so, that little devil certainly knows how to get me roweled up.

Either way, they are making me crazy!!

Expectations

I have a problem.


I have expectations. Of my self and others. I expect that people have a purpose. I expect that the human race is ultimately good. For people to have manners and courtesy and values and goals. I don't think that everyones goal is to be President or CEO (rich or powerful) but just to be a better person. To be a good human being. To be kind and gracious. To have a better understanding of the people around us or just ourselves. That we continually evolve to be better versions of ourselves. I know none of us are perfect, but shouldn't we strive to be at least better!?!

This problem is very real and very serious. See, because there are people who don't care or evolve for the better; instead they degress, and this upsets me.

This makes me crazy. What a waste. A waste of space, air, time, effort... Some of the most pondered questions are "What is our purpose? What does it all mean? What is the meaing of the Universe?" It would seem that we would seek to learn the answers. Yet it is painfully apparent that there are those whose only purpose seems to be to loaf. (Perhaps those people evolved from leeches.)

Alas, I need help with this problem. How do I come to terms with the likes of this plague?

HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!!

Today is Nicholas' Birthday!!

They grow up so fast. He will be 12 and that blows my mind. So much has happened yet it seems like it hasn't been that long. It just feels like a whole lot of things happened all at once in a very short period of time...

(sigh)

But he is growing...

...and growing, and growing....

I am still so proud of him for the son he is and the brother he is and the family he makes and the man I hope he will be.

Horizon

In the eye of a storm, it is calm and clear while the storm wages around you. It is like having clarity in the middle of ciaos.

These last several weeks have been quite insanely busy at work. With trying to tie up all of last years hours, carry over any remaining time and get the new year ready, I am definitely ready for a break. On top of all that craziness, my troublesome brother has had to move back home since he hadn't been responsible to take care of himself. Alas, home has not been the refuge it once was (which gave me that much more motivation to work as late as possible before retiring to my down comforter).

Well, this last week I came home to a quite house. No television blaring, No boy with remote channel surfing from Mom's couch, Nothing. Mom came from down the hall to announce that James was in jail and he would be there for about 2 weeks. Then there was a quip about how I must be happy... (Now was that really necessary?!?!)

The moment had come. I could wait no longer. It had to be said. I began in defense of myself (as calmly and monotone without raising my voice) stating that wasn't true. I didn't want him hurt or in trouble but simply he isn't responsible.

He wasn't responsible enough to keep his job or search for other employment.

He wasn't responsible enough to pay his utilities to keep his electricity on which is why he was sitting in his truck at 3 in the morning rev-ing his engine to keep warm.

He wasn't responsible enough to pay his rent which is why he was evicted.

He wasn't responsible enough to take care of his own truck which is why he had to borrow our sisters truck to get around.

He wasn't responsible enough to pay his insurance so when the truck did incinerate, he wouldn't receive a claim.

I don't have sympathy for him because all his trouble or misery is his own doing. Then I told her that I knew she didn't want to hear this but for my own therapy I needed to say it. I am sick of being the oldest. I am sick of having to be the responsible one. I am sick of always being the bad guy because I don't have sympathy for him. I am sick of her always taking his side. Not that she defends him but that she doesn't back me. She expects me to be nice or let it go or not say anything to pacify him. He is the cursing, swearing, spitting, filthy, monster and yet I am the one reprimanded.

I told her all of that and she heard me. We actually talked. Finally. She asked why I always stayed locked up in my room and I explained it was to keep the peace. I couldn't say anything without him yelling at me or being offended because I didn't dance around the truth. I just assume not listen to him rant about what was on the tv or screaming to gain control of the remote or hear him go on as if he were the resident PhD of all the Universal Unanswered Questions. She accusationed about why was I waking up at 4am to get ready for work when I didn't have to be there till 8am and I answered by asking her why she goes on and on about her day and her co-workers but never even asks me anything about my day. A lot of things were finally put on the table and I hope it was finally understood.

The last few days have been very nice. We have laughed and talked and it is much nicer with him out of the house. ...but it won't last forever.

So I am looking for my a place of my own. My own house. I have started the process. I have a realtor and a long list of homes to look through.

I know the storm is still circling around me but for now, I am taking comfort in the Eye. The Horizon is visible and I am happy for it.

Evolution OR just a work in progress...

I don't know at what point I became me.

I can pinpoint pivotal moments in my life but at what point I became the person I am eludes me. I guess I am just a work in progress. That's what life is though, isn't it? Progress. Evolving into a better person. --At least that is what I believe.

I believe that part of life is about bettering ones self; be it spiritually, mentally, physically, any combination or all of the above. Whether it be read, take classes, research, observe, or just ponder the meaning of life.

But then there is my brother. My poor pathetic brother. He calls last night at 10pm to say the truck is on fire. .... and just what are we supposed to do from 276 miles away???? But to make matters really worse, Mom gets SO upset. She can't sleep, she can't talk, she can barely breath. She is crying so hard, she is distraught and just bawling and weeping. What am I to do? How do I help her. So I just sit there for 2 and a half hours waiting, watching, talking, comforting, hugging and crying with her. He calls back and that only seems to make matters worse. She can't even talk, she just hangs up. I call him back and he proceeds to swear and raise his voice... of which I clench my jaw, and through gritted teeth let him know he will NOT TALK TO ME THAT WAY!

He upsets everyone. The entire family has their feathers ruffled. My sister calls to ask if he is okay because he thinks Mom is so mad, she won't talk to him.

OMGaw!!!! Where does one start?!?!?!

Mom said that she wished he would hurry and learn whatever lesson God wants him to learn. ...as though God put him in this situation. This is a topic we discussed to some length. I said, "God did not put him in this situation!" James is where he is because of his own decisions. Good or bad we end up where we do because of our decisions. Things happen to us that are out of our control, yes; but how we handle them, what we do (be it react or recover), these things are in our hands and our decisions. That is what makes a [Man], his decisions. The wisdom he uses to guide his life.

___________________________

(NIV) Proverbs 1:1-7 The proverbs of Solomon son of David, king of Israel: for attaining wisdom and discipline;for understanding words of insight; for acquiring a disciplined and prudent life, doing what is right and just and fair; for giving prudence to the simple, knowledge and discretion to the young - let the wise listen and add to their learning, and let the discerning get guidance - for understanding proverbs and parables, the sayings and riddles of the wise. The fear of the LORD is the beginning of knowledge, but fools despise wisdom and discipline.

___________________________

Christ came to tell the world of God's Love. He was persecuted, spat on, and even betrayed by his most trusted, His own family. These things were out of His control yet how did He handle them? He was tempted by Satan and offered all the world (Luke 1:1-13), yet how did He handle it?

We all have choices. God gives us the freedom to choose and make our own decisions. It is the decisions Jesus made that showed His Love and His Loyalty. Christ even prayed that His Father would take this from Him (Matthew 26:36-44, Mark 14:32-41, Luke 22:39-46) but that His Fathers Will be done..."Father, if you are willing, take this cup from me; yet not my will, but Yours be done." Despite being faced with betrayal, persecution, and painful death; he still chose to honor His Father's Will.

We choose how we handle things or we choose to ignore it; either way, it is our choice. We all make mistakes and none of us are perfect, no; but we all must confess our sins, faults, imperfections and ask forgiveness. Ask of God but also of those we have done wrong, treated poorly or offended.

______________________________

(NIV) James 5:16 Therefore confess your sins to each other and pray for each other so that you may be healed. The prayer of a righteous man is powerful and effective.

______________________________

So maybe some take longer to evolve.

.......(sigh)...... I just hope he does evolve or at least show progress...

.....Let us pray.....

from Love to Disdain

Since I was old enough to talk, I wanted Mom to have another baby for so long and 8 years later, she did. When my brother was born, I was in Love! I rocked him to sleep and carried him around. He was so beautiful and precious. Those heart string were sewn all through me.

As time goes and he grew up, he became a monster. A hideous snarling mangy 23 yr old monster. He cusses and screams at me all the time. It is impossible to have a conversation with him. He has been in jail at least twice and calls Mom to bail him out. He doesn't have a truck payment because Mom let him use my sisters old truck but he doesn't take care of it. Then complains that it is crap and wants Mom to fix it. He hasn't paid rent in months, has no electricity and is probably about to be evicted. He has had his license revoked from too many tickets and DUIs. He calls Mom almost, if not everyday and asks for help.

He disgusts me. I have such disdain for him. He enrages me. I morn the loss of my precious baby brother. What happened to that little boy? There is no talking to this monster! I want to box his face in. I want to strap his hands and feet together, stuff a gag in his mouth and make him watch hours of video of families that lost kids from drunk drivers or kids that lost parents because of a drunk driver. I want to rant and lecture and plead and preach and talk some sense to him. I want to make it perfectly clear that he is ruining his life. That his actions have consequences. Why can't he see that??? Not only that, but what he does effects others.

His son is growing up with a worse father than he had. He doesn't want to be like his (our) father yet he is just as bad. He came down one weekend and spent more time watching tv than spending time outside playing with his son. He has no patience or tolerance at all and just as little for his own child. He fears that his new gal may be pregnant. Yet again, not taking responsibility for his actions and preventing accidents from happening.

What is wrong with him?? What is wrong with the world that people like this exist? How is this person and I from the same gene pool???

How do I deal with someone that used to be so precious and I loved so dearly, that is now hideous, foul, crude, rude, vulgar, repugnant and I wouldn't waste my spit on. He is family. Family is supposed to be about tolerance, understanding and love. I have tried to love him as Christ loves him. Lord knows I have prayed for him. I have had such gut wrenching tear drenched prayers it is ridiculous. I have praised his few accomplishments to encourage him. Nothing seems to work. Nothing seems to stick. It's like the two step - one step forward, two steps back and all your doing is circling the floor.

So pray for me.

Pray for him.

Pray for us all!

Facing a Ghost

Many, if not most, people have some kind of emotional baggage.

Mine derives from my father. I use the term loosely. (Freud licks the lead of his pencil and begins taking notes)

My life isn't a Greek tragedy. In fact by most accounts, I would say it is pretty good. There hasn't been any incest, affairs to speak of, or conspiracy to murder in the pursuit of gaining power or anything quite as plotted as Hamlet.

.

My family is pretty close and while we have our fair share of drama, we are still family and "relatively" close (pardon the pun). However when it comes to my so-called-father, it is a different story.

He is an alcoholic. He is no more than a worthless bum to me.

.

.

Many marriages end for many different reasons. Some grow apart, some fall out of love, some aren't capable of being responsible financially or emotionally, etc... but parents are still obligated to be parents.

.

My "father" didn't. As far as I am concerned, drinking was too important; his friends were more important; not being accountable, responsible, mature or dealing with anything was more important. Keeping a job was apparently an impossible feat. Providing for his family was even more of an unfeasible exploit. And despite the marriage failed due to his obvious flaws, one might think his children would hold some sobriety in his soul.... but they would be mistaken.

.

I have dealt with fury, anger, vengeance, rejection, insecurity and loss; not just for myself but for my brother and sister who I also saw dealing with the same sense of rejection and insecurity. For a long time, everything that went wrong in my life was his fault. If I failed a test, it was his fault I was stupid because he was drunk when I was conceived. If I got in trouble, it was his fault because.... it didn't matter, some how it was his fault.

.

Then I finally realized that by saying that, it prevented me from controlling my own life. I was not being responsible for my own life or my own decisions. If everything was his fault, I saw only negative and not the positive. I decided to live my own life and except whatever My Consequences are, good or bad. He became Dead to me.

.

For many years I couldn't even say the word "forgiveness" in the same sentence with his name. In fact, I couldn't even say his name or think about it without becoming enraged. But with him "dead to me", it wasn't something I needed to worry about. Periodically, the topic of my father would get brought up and I was encouraged to forgive. I thought about it and found it impossible. After all he had done to me, my siblings, my mother, my family ...."Hell No!" He didn't deserve it.

.

One day someone mentioned forgiveness again. They talked about what it meant, how vengeance is the Lord's and how withholding it condemn us. I was certainly not going to be condemned because of him. But how do I forgive when I can barely say his name without spitting? They explained that forgiveness doesn't mean that we have to have a picnic and make balloon animals or anything out of a Rockwell painting, but instead I just don't wish harm upon him. It took some time but I finally quit hoping an anvil would fall from the sky...

.

I have been able to say "I forgive him" for a while now without spitting or going into spasms, which is quite an improvement. I guess what I am thinking is that I don't wish him harm, which is how I can get it out with a straight face.

.

It has been many many years since I have seen him. I have no intention calling him up and sitting down to coffee for a long overdue father-daughter chat. As far as I am concerned he was still dead to me and it wasn't necessary to get in touch.

.

.

The day after Thanksgiving, my mom, brother, nephew and I went to my aunt's house to see my father's side of the family. My grandmother was there and an Uncle and Aunt I hadn't seen in several years. As we pull up, my brother says that "dad" (that is what he calls him) is there. I start screaming! "NO!!!! NOOO!!!!! I don't want to do this! I can't do this!!! NO! NOOO!!!" I felt frozen and scared! I felt bombarded with all different kinds of nightmarish emotions! What was I going to do? How can I get out of this?? What could I do?

.

I made my way slowly in the house, careful to enter each room. I said hello to each person, keeping an eye out for this ghost that haunted me. I saw a figure enter the back door and blurted that I had to go to the bathroom before dashing down the hallway. I locked myself in the lue for some 20 minutes. I cried, attempted giving myself a pep talk, breathed deeply, felt nauseous, and finally, with shaky hands, turned the knob to make the journey back into the house. I crept slowly down the hallway and turned, standing in the archway of the living room, inspected each face before bravely stepping into the dimly light room. I made my way over to the corner of the couch and tucked myself into the darkened corner. I pulled the throw pillows over me and clutched them tightly while nervously playing with the tassels. My Aunt and I chatted while I kept a watchful eye on the archways, contemplating my escape route.

.

Soon it was time to take my nephew home and my mom and brother were shortly out the door, leaving me behind. I quickly said goodbye to everyone attempting a hug for most of them closest to me, then took to flight out the door, slamming it behind me and ran the rest of the way down the driveway.

.

.

It was over. The ghost was behind me. With nothing more for me to do than sort out my feelings, I pondered on why was I such a wreck? After all I had prayed and the progress I had made, why was I so distraught at the idea of coming face to face with the ghost? More so, I asked why was I expected to be civil and play nice with someone who had not shown me any empathy?

.

All I can come up with is "Baby Steps". Slow progress. I still have some growing to do, I admit. Maybe in time, who knows. But for the time being, I don't like seeing ghosts and just assume not going through that again. I am comfortable where I am now and the Lord will prepare me for when the time is right. ---(to be continued???)---?

THANKSGIVING

Like most Americans, Thanksgiving has always been a time of Family and Feast. While I was stationed overseas during the holidays and away from my family, Friends (or co-workers) would gather and share this Holiday Feast. I am now Home and couldn't wait to be with my Family. To taste the giblet gravy, to have Granny's stuffing, and Aunt Trisa's glazed ham...mmm-good!!

Mom and I wake up at 2:30am to get ready for our long day. We must be on the road by 4AM to beat traffic and make it there by 8/9am. As we drive, the radio begins playing Christmas music??? It is Thanksgiving. It isn't even December yet?

[nostrils flair] This is something that has always disturbed me. Commercialism! It sickens me. Instead of wrapping yourself in the "Thankful Autumn Season", it's think buy and spend...(sigh)...but I digress.

So we made good time and hardly saw a car. We drop of our luggage at Granny's and load the car with pecan, pumpkin and chess pie, carrot cake and cranberry sauce before heading over to Aunt Trisa's. We were the first to arrive except for a mystery woman named Judy. She was very friendly and chatty but of no relation to any of us. I finally asked how she and Trisa were acquainted. She was a deer hunter with a lease on the land. My first reaction was "She isn't family, why is she hear? Can't she spend Thanksgiving with her own family???" Slowly other in-laws began to arrive. I asked about my cousins (Trisa's oldest sons) but Bo was in Colorado and Justin was having a small dinner with just his wife and kids. I was so upset that after all my excitement about finally being home for the first time in several years, my family wasn't even all there.

We all ate and enjoyed the delicious bounty spread out across the kitchen. We visited and moaned while rubbing our bellies that it was so good but we couldn't possibly eat another bite. Then out came the cakes and pies and banana pudding and we nibbled for another hour or so. Folks began to trickle out and back to their homes to nap before the traditional Cowboys game (which you can imagine that in Texas, it is more a ritual than a tradition). We tidied up the kitchen and packed little take home bags for everyone as they left. Just then, Justin and Kelly showed up and my excitement was back on track! We watched football and played board games and as the evening drew to an end, it was nice to be surrounded by the familiar loving family I cherish so much.

This morning I began to look for clips for my blog and I found this one. It reminded me of how the Pilgrims made their feast to give thanks, they didn't just invite family but welcomed the Indians to join the feast in giving thanks for there bounty. The Indians also brought venison and corn to add to this feast. I was glad Judy could join our feast and I am "thankful" she felt welcome!

I think we all could use a gentle reminder of this from time to time. I just wanted to share mine.

God Bless.

Ally!!

Here Ye, Here Ye!! All Hail Ally! This girl is definitely toppin' the charts of TCC! In fact, I wouldn't be a bit surprised if she wrote the book (or at least gave the inspiration)!

Beautiful, spunky, out going, smart, classy, down-to-earth, dyn-O-mite.... but enough about me, she is just as wonderful! (Sorry Ally, I had too. hahaha)

Okay seriously, folks, she is a kick-ass mom, she is quite possibly the worlds best cook, she is a warm and loving friend, has strong convictions and a heart for God, she is a ball of fun and one of the best women one could ever know! She is a world class traveler and someone you want with when planning your next adventure.

She has met a wonderful man who loves and truly cherishes her like she deserves. She and Mike are a blessing to know, and he is a whiz in the kitchen too. Let me tell you that Thanksgiving is a real treat but forget about playing Taboo with these two. They can read each others mind, it's so cute! (God, I love these people!)

And little Maddie makes up the rest of this beautiful Family! She is such a smart young lady! She is so adorable and precious to me. I spent so much time with them in Germany, my second family.

I couldn't be happier for them. I wish them all the best and know they will be happy in love forever! I love you guys! I pray God showers you with His Blessings all your days!

Adoption makes a Beautiful Family II

So everyone is gearing up for Superbowl Sunday and the Cowboys are doing great. The girls at the dorm are planning a big Superbowl party!!

Thursday, Jan 25, 1996 - Dorm Inspection day.

First we have to see the doc and get our routine check-up. I am sitting on the floor and feel like there is a huge rubber band under my massive belly and two guys are on each end pulling. I see the doc, he says all looks good and sends me on my way.

So now my roommates and I have to clean our room. I am supposed to vacuum and make my bed. I make the bed and get out the vacuum. I need to rest! Feeling a little better, I finish vacuuming. This has worn me out and I need to relax. I make a nice hot bath and watch the soccer player foot kick field goals on my belly. Well, now I am too hot in this sauna and get out to go relax on the couch and watch some tv.

I tell another girl of my discomfort. She begins screaming that my water could have broke and I wouldn't even know it. I reassure her I wasn't due for a month and I wasn't in labor. She asks how I felt. I tell her and she starts screaming again and running around the room looking for the phone. She calls everyone in to take me to the hospital. I had already heard about false alarms and the 4 trips to the hospital and I was not going down that road. Once I went, that kid was out or I wasn't leaving! They hook me up to the monitors and decide I was far enough along to go to the hospital.

--A few hours later, Nicholas entered the world and I got to see the little boy that played rugby in my stomach. And oh my gosh did he have a lot of hair. I was so worried that Tim and Lisa would not want him. The next day, the nurses brought him in and I got to hold the little tyke. It was like I was on sleeping pills. I kept dozing off and dreaming I had dropped him only to jerk myself awake and see him peacefully napping in my arms.

I spoke with my counselor and explained my plight. I knew it was Superbowl Sunday but Nicholas HAD to be home for the game with his new Daddy! She understood completely. She arranged for the lawyers to come in first thing Sunday morning. After I signed, I took Nicholas to the placement room and waited for Tim and Lisa to sign their papers. Once they came in, I handed Nicholas over to Lisa and we all hugged.

When Mom and I walked out of the building, she broke down. I hadn't expected this. I had completely overlooked the fact he was as much a part of her as he was me. This was her 1st grandson.

The Cowboys win the Superbowl!!! Tim became a daddy and see the Cowboys beat the Stealers all in one day!!!

Tim and Lisa stayed in touch for many years sending cards, pictures, and letters. Nicholas is very involved with sports and band! He is very very happy!! They had adopted another little boy, Travis. Nicholas is a wonderful big brother.

This April I realized it had been some time since I had heard from them. I felt like they had finally moved on without me and I was no longer going to hear from them. I came to terms with this sad revelation and bought a black leather box to put all the cards and pictures in. I would put it up and not have them out as a constant reminder.

A few weeks ago, I came home to see the mail piled up on the table. A large plump envelope caught my eye. I looked at Mom and said, "You know what that is?!" She said "Yes. I was waiting for you to open it."

It was a letter from Lisa and some pictures. Seems like life with two growing boys keeps her busy!! She had been so busy taking them to games and practice etc, she hardly had time to sit.


So without further ado...

Now isn't that a beautiful family!!!



Lisa & Nicholas~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~Travis, Nicholas & Lisa










~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~Tim, Nicholas &Travis~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Adoption makes a Beautiful Family

When I was 18 and dating a silly boy, I got pregnant.

Now some of you may have very strong feelings about adoption... and so do I. I am a very strong supporter of it! Now don't get me wrong, I am not anti-abortion, holding a picket sign or anything; a woman's body is her own and it is her choice. I would just hope she would make the best EDUCATED decision for her and her child.

Well, I chose adoption. I decided to place my baby in a home with wonderful, christian, supportive parents who could better provide for a baby than I could.

The choice was not hard for me. Really, the hardest part (after crying my eyes out and praying I wasn't pregnant) was telling my mother. But after she stopped crying and told me she would support me in whatever I decided, I told her of my decision.

As life has a funny way of small coincidence and twists of fate, it turns out I had a relative that had done the same thing many years earlier. Mom suggested I talk to her. (This did not turn out to be a good decision however, I pray she finds healing). She had gone to The Edna Gladney Center and despite the experiences of others, my mind was made up and nothing would deter me from my pronouncement.

I called and spoke with the operators and got set up with a counselor. I moved up to the campus later and met some interesting characters (to say the least). There was of course the operator that checked me in. She was great (a real David Letterman fan)! Then there was the staff - all of them were absolutely terrific! I loved that place!! I got a room with a roommate and 2 suite mates and Oh, the stories I could tell.

~There was Jamie the crazy girl who cussed out her mom on a regular basis and hogged the phone every day/night. After she gave birth, she went nutso on me because I told her to let the other girls use the phone. She shoved my pregnant self on the floor and took to flight out of the building. She was moved to another room for that night and then threw chocolate pudding all down the hall walls. Needless to say, she wasn't there very much longer. (Not the mention wasting perfectly good chocolate pudding)

~Then there was Ronnie who was very sweet but very emotional. She liked to write poetry a lot. She did her fair bit of crying (but to be fair, pregnancy can do that to a person).

~Then there was Tonya. This girl was like 6'2" and barely looked pregnant while I am 5' and looked like a stuffed turkey when I was only 5 months... She and I stayed in touch for quite a while. But like most things, we have lost touch.


Then there were the other girls.

~There was Becca, who was a great gal and I thought very fondly of. Her mom was apparently Jewish and I would always do the "Coffee Talk" thing when she would call. (I thought that was hysterical!!) Becca and I would ponder all kinds of theoretical conversations and debate on nothing. She was one who I also lost touch with but think of now and then.

~There was Rachel (of which we are still friends to this day). Now this is a story of friendship - let's just say, despite the fact we had a nasty rocky patch that involved total humiliation and me hurtling a bottle of nail polish across a room, our friendship is all the more strong.

~There was Nicole who I about ripped her head off when we first met. That story goes like this. She had walked up to me the first evening she was there and knew my name and family and everything. Out of complete shock, I snapped at her (though I have no idea what I said, just that it was not very nice). I later apologized and we have been friends ever since.

~There was Molly, who we all liked, but she seems to have fallen off the face of the Earth.

~There was a homeless girl who had already been pregnant some 22 times. She had lots of psychological problems. There was the time we ordered pizza and she spit out a bite saying it was awful, only hours later dug it out of the trash and ate it (yuck!!). Then there was the time she went crazy on her then roommate saying she was a devil worshiper and listening to satanic music, then ran screaming up and down the hallway (yeah, she is the crazy one?!?!?!). I got the roommate and 'homeless girl' got the boot. At least, we never saw her again.


Later I met Donna, another staff member. She is one of my most precious friends! She was my 'Secret Santa' and we hit it off so well as friends, we have been so ever since.

So I had my counselor, Julie, and she helped me pick a family. I told her my expectations of parents for my child and she found some profiles that matched. I reviewed several portfolios. Some sounded great on paper but their pictures did not look warm and happy. Some looked happy but something on paper sounded amiss.

~There was the basketball coach whose wife looked like Tammy Faye did her makeup. 1st, I am only 5' and the birth father isn't much taller so the basketball coach is out and 2ndly, there is no way that woman is going to teach my little girl how to put on makeup.

~There were the Catholics who had 4 kids already. I want my child to be the 1st, not lost in the litter.

~There was the Hispanic whose wife had 2 inch black roots to her frizzy over processed hair. While the heritage combo is right (me being white and the birth father Hispanic) those roots just would not do.

(Not that I am that nasty of a person, but in choosing the people that are going to raise your child, you are going to be picky.)

There were a few others but when I found Tim and Lisa, I just KNEW. They were perfect. I loved their pictures and everything they said. I spoke with them for hours on the phone and we went out to eat a few times. What wonderful people!

During all this time, I was doing an Outreach Program with The Gladney Center. We would go to different groups (schools, churches, even on campus panels) and tell our story. Our purpose was not to say "Hey get pregnant and place your child!" but rather, be smart and know ALL your options and make the BEST Decision for you and your child. I really liked doing it even though one time we had a real "Jerry Springer" moment at this local high school. It was kinda crazy to be sitting in a class room and have all these pregnant teens stand up and start screaming at us for giving our kids away to strangers (like we were throwing in a dumpster). I (or we) explained how we can be very involved (as much as you would like to be) in the process.

Well, the time is getting close to give birth and Superbowl is rolling around. Tim is a big Cowboys fan and they were doing very well that year. The baby wasn't due till February but I prayed it would great for Tim to have a son home just in time for Superbowl and the Cowboys would win. (The state of Texas law says the birth mother has to wait 48 hours from time of birth before signing the adoption papers. Which means the baby would have had to be born no later than Friday morning)

The ultrasound shows a boy and while his name was planned to be Jack, a last minute call changed it to Nicholas. As soon as I heard the name, it was like hearing something you had been trying to think of forever and it was just on the tip of your tongue. Yes! That was his name.

So everyone is gearing up for Superbowl Sunday and the Cowboys are doing great. The girls at the dorm are planning a big Superbowl party!!


...to be continued....

Adventure Bound!

Well this is looking to be a pretty adventurous weekend....

Okay, maybe not that adventurous!!

We are heading to Lampasas to pick up the cutest little 2 year old alive!!!! Kaysten is coming to stay a week with his Nany (Naw-ny) and his Aunt Jodi. I am sure he is just thrilled - I know I am!

Additionally, Brooke will be coming to visit and Trisha may stop by too. (Some of you may remember that I haven't seen Trisha in 12 years).

All in all, it looks like it is going to be a jam packed, fun filled weekend!

a Girl and her Nephew

He is too cute and our time with him is few and far between. They grow so fast it is hard to keep up with them.

A few weeks ago was my company picnic an Mom and I had Kaysten for the week. He had so much fun playing with the kids and keep away from the dog.

But after all his running and chasing and playing... he is tired and and knows there is only one place to be....
...with Aunt Jodi!

What a sweet little boy. As Kaysten would say "YES SIR!!!"

Mi familia

My family! How I love them. In all their glory and imperfections.

from left to right: my aunt Regena, my Nana, my Granny, and my Mom!

The generations come together to celebrate life. This day was my cousins bridal shower. We played games and laughed. We ate and laughed. We laughed and ate. The day was beautiful and the company priceless.

I look forward to going home and being able to spend more time with them.

This is my nephew. He is sooo cute! I have only got to spend a little time with him and they grow so fast. I want him to know me.

[slips into deep profound thought]

Aaww, how time does fly. I send out a big hug to those I love and miss. I will see you soon.

"There's no place like home. There's no place like home. There's no place like home."

{clicks heals three times and waves good-bye}

Family Vacation

Chichen-Itza, Yucatan Pennisula, Mexico:

For my little sister's graduation, my mom and I packed up and we all went to the Mayan Ruins. This is Jina in the court where they played "Womp-womp" (or something like that), which is the early form basketball. The name (whatever it is) came from the sound that the ball of sap made when it hit the rock walls that line the field.

Our guide was very informative and funny. He is the one in the background with the funny hat.

Me:

Here we are in front of what was the Observatory. Like mother like daughters (big cheesy grin). Aren't we the typical tourists!?!

Here are a few other snapshots:

If you can take a closer look at this one, you can see through the trees another ruin in the distance.