Horizon

In the eye of a storm, it is calm and clear while the storm wages around you. It is like having clarity in the middle of ciaos.

These last several weeks have been quite insanely busy at work. With trying to tie up all of last years hours, carry over any remaining time and get the new year ready, I am definitely ready for a break. On top of all that craziness, my troublesome brother has had to move back home since he hadn't been responsible to take care of himself. Alas, home has not been the refuge it once was (which gave me that much more motivation to work as late as possible before retiring to my down comforter).

Well, this last week I came home to a quite house. No television blaring, No boy with remote channel surfing from Mom's couch, Nothing. Mom came from down the hall to announce that James was in jail and he would be there for about 2 weeks. Then there was a quip about how I must be happy... (Now was that really necessary?!?!)

The moment had come. I could wait no longer. It had to be said. I began in defense of myself (as calmly and monotone without raising my voice) stating that wasn't true. I didn't want him hurt or in trouble but simply he isn't responsible.

He wasn't responsible enough to keep his job or search for other employment.

He wasn't responsible enough to pay his utilities to keep his electricity on which is why he was sitting in his truck at 3 in the morning rev-ing his engine to keep warm.

He wasn't responsible enough to pay his rent which is why he was evicted.

He wasn't responsible enough to take care of his own truck which is why he had to borrow our sisters truck to get around.

He wasn't responsible enough to pay his insurance so when the truck did incinerate, he wouldn't receive a claim.

I don't have sympathy for him because all his trouble or misery is his own doing. Then I told her that I knew she didn't want to hear this but for my own therapy I needed to say it. I am sick of being the oldest. I am sick of having to be the responsible one. I am sick of always being the bad guy because I don't have sympathy for him. I am sick of her always taking his side. Not that she defends him but that she doesn't back me. She expects me to be nice or let it go or not say anything to pacify him. He is the cursing, swearing, spitting, filthy, monster and yet I am the one reprimanded.

I told her all of that and she heard me. We actually talked. Finally. She asked why I always stayed locked up in my room and I explained it was to keep the peace. I couldn't say anything without him yelling at me or being offended because I didn't dance around the truth. I just assume not listen to him rant about what was on the tv or screaming to gain control of the remote or hear him go on as if he were the resident PhD of all the Universal Unanswered Questions. She accusationed about why was I waking up at 4am to get ready for work when I didn't have to be there till 8am and I answered by asking her why she goes on and on about her day and her co-workers but never even asks me anything about my day. A lot of things were finally put on the table and I hope it was finally understood.

The last few days have been very nice. We have laughed and talked and it is much nicer with him out of the house. ...but it won't last forever.

So I am looking for my a place of my own. My own house. I have started the process. I have a realtor and a long list of homes to look through.

I know the storm is still circling around me but for now, I am taking comfort in the Eye. The Horizon is visible and I am happy for it.