Facing a Ghost

Many, if not most, people have some kind of emotional baggage.

Mine derives from my father. I use the term loosely. (Freud licks the lead of his pencil and begins taking notes)

My life isn't a Greek tragedy. In fact by most accounts, I would say it is pretty good. There hasn't been any incest, affairs to speak of, or conspiracy to murder in the pursuit of gaining power or anything quite as plotted as Hamlet.

.

My family is pretty close and while we have our fair share of drama, we are still family and "relatively" close (pardon the pun). However when it comes to my so-called-father, it is a different story.

He is an alcoholic. He is no more than a worthless bum to me.

.

.

Many marriages end for many different reasons. Some grow apart, some fall out of love, some aren't capable of being responsible financially or emotionally, etc... but parents are still obligated to be parents.

.

My "father" didn't. As far as I am concerned, drinking was too important; his friends were more important; not being accountable, responsible, mature or dealing with anything was more important. Keeping a job was apparently an impossible feat. Providing for his family was even more of an unfeasible exploit. And despite the marriage failed due to his obvious flaws, one might think his children would hold some sobriety in his soul.... but they would be mistaken.

.

I have dealt with fury, anger, vengeance, rejection, insecurity and loss; not just for myself but for my brother and sister who I also saw dealing with the same sense of rejection and insecurity. For a long time, everything that went wrong in my life was his fault. If I failed a test, it was his fault I was stupid because he was drunk when I was conceived. If I got in trouble, it was his fault because.... it didn't matter, some how it was his fault.

.

Then I finally realized that by saying that, it prevented me from controlling my own life. I was not being responsible for my own life or my own decisions. If everything was his fault, I saw only negative and not the positive. I decided to live my own life and except whatever My Consequences are, good or bad. He became Dead to me.

.

For many years I couldn't even say the word "forgiveness" in the same sentence with his name. In fact, I couldn't even say his name or think about it without becoming enraged. But with him "dead to me", it wasn't something I needed to worry about. Periodically, the topic of my father would get brought up and I was encouraged to forgive. I thought about it and found it impossible. After all he had done to me, my siblings, my mother, my family ...."Hell No!" He didn't deserve it.

.

One day someone mentioned forgiveness again. They talked about what it meant, how vengeance is the Lord's and how withholding it condemn us. I was certainly not going to be condemned because of him. But how do I forgive when I can barely say his name without spitting? They explained that forgiveness doesn't mean that we have to have a picnic and make balloon animals or anything out of a Rockwell painting, but instead I just don't wish harm upon him. It took some time but I finally quit hoping an anvil would fall from the sky...

.

I have been able to say "I forgive him" for a while now without spitting or going into spasms, which is quite an improvement. I guess what I am thinking is that I don't wish him harm, which is how I can get it out with a straight face.

.

It has been many many years since I have seen him. I have no intention calling him up and sitting down to coffee for a long overdue father-daughter chat. As far as I am concerned he was still dead to me and it wasn't necessary to get in touch.

.

.

The day after Thanksgiving, my mom, brother, nephew and I went to my aunt's house to see my father's side of the family. My grandmother was there and an Uncle and Aunt I hadn't seen in several years. As we pull up, my brother says that "dad" (that is what he calls him) is there. I start screaming! "NO!!!! NOOO!!!!! I don't want to do this! I can't do this!!! NO! NOOO!!!" I felt frozen and scared! I felt bombarded with all different kinds of nightmarish emotions! What was I going to do? How can I get out of this?? What could I do?

.

I made my way slowly in the house, careful to enter each room. I said hello to each person, keeping an eye out for this ghost that haunted me. I saw a figure enter the back door and blurted that I had to go to the bathroom before dashing down the hallway. I locked myself in the lue for some 20 minutes. I cried, attempted giving myself a pep talk, breathed deeply, felt nauseous, and finally, with shaky hands, turned the knob to make the journey back into the house. I crept slowly down the hallway and turned, standing in the archway of the living room, inspected each face before bravely stepping into the dimly light room. I made my way over to the corner of the couch and tucked myself into the darkened corner. I pulled the throw pillows over me and clutched them tightly while nervously playing with the tassels. My Aunt and I chatted while I kept a watchful eye on the archways, contemplating my escape route.

.

Soon it was time to take my nephew home and my mom and brother were shortly out the door, leaving me behind. I quickly said goodbye to everyone attempting a hug for most of them closest to me, then took to flight out the door, slamming it behind me and ran the rest of the way down the driveway.

.

.

It was over. The ghost was behind me. With nothing more for me to do than sort out my feelings, I pondered on why was I such a wreck? After all I had prayed and the progress I had made, why was I so distraught at the idea of coming face to face with the ghost? More so, I asked why was I expected to be civil and play nice with someone who had not shown me any empathy?

.

All I can come up with is "Baby Steps". Slow progress. I still have some growing to do, I admit. Maybe in time, who knows. But for the time being, I don't like seeing ghosts and just assume not going through that again. I am comfortable where I am now and the Lord will prepare me for when the time is right. ---(to be continued???)---?

THANKSGIVING

Like most Americans, Thanksgiving has always been a time of Family and Feast. While I was stationed overseas during the holidays and away from my family, Friends (or co-workers) would gather and share this Holiday Feast. I am now Home and couldn't wait to be with my Family. To taste the giblet gravy, to have Granny's stuffing, and Aunt Trisa's glazed ham...mmm-good!!

Mom and I wake up at 2:30am to get ready for our long day. We must be on the road by 4AM to beat traffic and make it there by 8/9am. As we drive, the radio begins playing Christmas music??? It is Thanksgiving. It isn't even December yet?

[nostrils flair] This is something that has always disturbed me. Commercialism! It sickens me. Instead of wrapping yourself in the "Thankful Autumn Season", it's think buy and spend...(sigh)...but I digress.

So we made good time and hardly saw a car. We drop of our luggage at Granny's and load the car with pecan, pumpkin and chess pie, carrot cake and cranberry sauce before heading over to Aunt Trisa's. We were the first to arrive except for a mystery woman named Judy. She was very friendly and chatty but of no relation to any of us. I finally asked how she and Trisa were acquainted. She was a deer hunter with a lease on the land. My first reaction was "She isn't family, why is she hear? Can't she spend Thanksgiving with her own family???" Slowly other in-laws began to arrive. I asked about my cousins (Trisa's oldest sons) but Bo was in Colorado and Justin was having a small dinner with just his wife and kids. I was so upset that after all my excitement about finally being home for the first time in several years, my family wasn't even all there.

We all ate and enjoyed the delicious bounty spread out across the kitchen. We visited and moaned while rubbing our bellies that it was so good but we couldn't possibly eat another bite. Then out came the cakes and pies and banana pudding and we nibbled for another hour or so. Folks began to trickle out and back to their homes to nap before the traditional Cowboys game (which you can imagine that in Texas, it is more a ritual than a tradition). We tidied up the kitchen and packed little take home bags for everyone as they left. Just then, Justin and Kelly showed up and my excitement was back on track! We watched football and played board games and as the evening drew to an end, it was nice to be surrounded by the familiar loving family I cherish so much.

This morning I began to look for clips for my blog and I found this one. It reminded me of how the Pilgrims made their feast to give thanks, they didn't just invite family but welcomed the Indians to join the feast in giving thanks for there bounty. The Indians also brought venison and corn to add to this feast. I was glad Judy could join our feast and I am "thankful" she felt welcome!

I think we all could use a gentle reminder of this from time to time. I just wanted to share mine.

God Bless.

Ally!!

Here Ye, Here Ye!! All Hail Ally! This girl is definitely toppin' the charts of TCC! In fact, I wouldn't be a bit surprised if she wrote the book (or at least gave the inspiration)!

Beautiful, spunky, out going, smart, classy, down-to-earth, dyn-O-mite.... but enough about me, she is just as wonderful! (Sorry Ally, I had too. hahaha)

Okay seriously, folks, she is a kick-ass mom, she is quite possibly the worlds best cook, she is a warm and loving friend, has strong convictions and a heart for God, she is a ball of fun and one of the best women one could ever know! She is a world class traveler and someone you want with when planning your next adventure.

She has met a wonderful man who loves and truly cherishes her like she deserves. She and Mike are a blessing to know, and he is a whiz in the kitchen too. Let me tell you that Thanksgiving is a real treat but forget about playing Taboo with these two. They can read each others mind, it's so cute! (God, I love these people!)

And little Maddie makes up the rest of this beautiful Family! She is such a smart young lady! She is so adorable and precious to me. I spent so much time with them in Germany, my second family.

I couldn't be happier for them. I wish them all the best and know they will be happy in love forever! I love you guys! I pray God showers you with His Blessings all your days!

Adoption makes a Beautiful Family II

So everyone is gearing up for Superbowl Sunday and the Cowboys are doing great. The girls at the dorm are planning a big Superbowl party!!

Thursday, Jan 25, 1996 - Dorm Inspection day.

First we have to see the doc and get our routine check-up. I am sitting on the floor and feel like there is a huge rubber band under my massive belly and two guys are on each end pulling. I see the doc, he says all looks good and sends me on my way.

So now my roommates and I have to clean our room. I am supposed to vacuum and make my bed. I make the bed and get out the vacuum. I need to rest! Feeling a little better, I finish vacuuming. This has worn me out and I need to relax. I make a nice hot bath and watch the soccer player foot kick field goals on my belly. Well, now I am too hot in this sauna and get out to go relax on the couch and watch some tv.

I tell another girl of my discomfort. She begins screaming that my water could have broke and I wouldn't even know it. I reassure her I wasn't due for a month and I wasn't in labor. She asks how I felt. I tell her and she starts screaming again and running around the room looking for the phone. She calls everyone in to take me to the hospital. I had already heard about false alarms and the 4 trips to the hospital and I was not going down that road. Once I went, that kid was out or I wasn't leaving! They hook me up to the monitors and decide I was far enough along to go to the hospital.

--A few hours later, Nicholas entered the world and I got to see the little boy that played rugby in my stomach. And oh my gosh did he have a lot of hair. I was so worried that Tim and Lisa would not want him. The next day, the nurses brought him in and I got to hold the little tyke. It was like I was on sleeping pills. I kept dozing off and dreaming I had dropped him only to jerk myself awake and see him peacefully napping in my arms.

I spoke with my counselor and explained my plight. I knew it was Superbowl Sunday but Nicholas HAD to be home for the game with his new Daddy! She understood completely. She arranged for the lawyers to come in first thing Sunday morning. After I signed, I took Nicholas to the placement room and waited for Tim and Lisa to sign their papers. Once they came in, I handed Nicholas over to Lisa and we all hugged.

When Mom and I walked out of the building, she broke down. I hadn't expected this. I had completely overlooked the fact he was as much a part of her as he was me. This was her 1st grandson.

The Cowboys win the Superbowl!!! Tim became a daddy and see the Cowboys beat the Stealers all in one day!!!

Tim and Lisa stayed in touch for many years sending cards, pictures, and letters. Nicholas is very involved with sports and band! He is very very happy!! They had adopted another little boy, Travis. Nicholas is a wonderful big brother.

This April I realized it had been some time since I had heard from them. I felt like they had finally moved on without me and I was no longer going to hear from them. I came to terms with this sad revelation and bought a black leather box to put all the cards and pictures in. I would put it up and not have them out as a constant reminder.

A few weeks ago, I came home to see the mail piled up on the table. A large plump envelope caught my eye. I looked at Mom and said, "You know what that is?!" She said "Yes. I was waiting for you to open it."

It was a letter from Lisa and some pictures. Seems like life with two growing boys keeps her busy!! She had been so busy taking them to games and practice etc, she hardly had time to sit.


So without further ado...

Now isn't that a beautiful family!!!



Lisa & Nicholas~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~Travis, Nicholas & Lisa










~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~Tim, Nicholas &Travis~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Adoption makes a Beautiful Family

When I was 18 and dating a silly boy, I got pregnant.

Now some of you may have very strong feelings about adoption... and so do I. I am a very strong supporter of it! Now don't get me wrong, I am not anti-abortion, holding a picket sign or anything; a woman's body is her own and it is her choice. I would just hope she would make the best EDUCATED decision for her and her child.

Well, I chose adoption. I decided to place my baby in a home with wonderful, christian, supportive parents who could better provide for a baby than I could.

The choice was not hard for me. Really, the hardest part (after crying my eyes out and praying I wasn't pregnant) was telling my mother. But after she stopped crying and told me she would support me in whatever I decided, I told her of my decision.

As life has a funny way of small coincidence and twists of fate, it turns out I had a relative that had done the same thing many years earlier. Mom suggested I talk to her. (This did not turn out to be a good decision however, I pray she finds healing). She had gone to The Edna Gladney Center and despite the experiences of others, my mind was made up and nothing would deter me from my pronouncement.

I called and spoke with the operators and got set up with a counselor. I moved up to the campus later and met some interesting characters (to say the least). There was of course the operator that checked me in. She was great (a real David Letterman fan)! Then there was the staff - all of them were absolutely terrific! I loved that place!! I got a room with a roommate and 2 suite mates and Oh, the stories I could tell.

~There was Jamie the crazy girl who cussed out her mom on a regular basis and hogged the phone every day/night. After she gave birth, she went nutso on me because I told her to let the other girls use the phone. She shoved my pregnant self on the floor and took to flight out of the building. She was moved to another room for that night and then threw chocolate pudding all down the hall walls. Needless to say, she wasn't there very much longer. (Not the mention wasting perfectly good chocolate pudding)

~Then there was Ronnie who was very sweet but very emotional. She liked to write poetry a lot. She did her fair bit of crying (but to be fair, pregnancy can do that to a person).

~Then there was Tonya. This girl was like 6'2" and barely looked pregnant while I am 5' and looked like a stuffed turkey when I was only 5 months... She and I stayed in touch for quite a while. But like most things, we have lost touch.


Then there were the other girls.

~There was Becca, who was a great gal and I thought very fondly of. Her mom was apparently Jewish and I would always do the "Coffee Talk" thing when she would call. (I thought that was hysterical!!) Becca and I would ponder all kinds of theoretical conversations and debate on nothing. She was one who I also lost touch with but think of now and then.

~There was Rachel (of which we are still friends to this day). Now this is a story of friendship - let's just say, despite the fact we had a nasty rocky patch that involved total humiliation and me hurtling a bottle of nail polish across a room, our friendship is all the more strong.

~There was Nicole who I about ripped her head off when we first met. That story goes like this. She had walked up to me the first evening she was there and knew my name and family and everything. Out of complete shock, I snapped at her (though I have no idea what I said, just that it was not very nice). I later apologized and we have been friends ever since.

~There was Molly, who we all liked, but she seems to have fallen off the face of the Earth.

~There was a homeless girl who had already been pregnant some 22 times. She had lots of psychological problems. There was the time we ordered pizza and she spit out a bite saying it was awful, only hours later dug it out of the trash and ate it (yuck!!). Then there was the time she went crazy on her then roommate saying she was a devil worshiper and listening to satanic music, then ran screaming up and down the hallway (yeah, she is the crazy one?!?!?!). I got the roommate and 'homeless girl' got the boot. At least, we never saw her again.


Later I met Donna, another staff member. She is one of my most precious friends! She was my 'Secret Santa' and we hit it off so well as friends, we have been so ever since.

So I had my counselor, Julie, and she helped me pick a family. I told her my expectations of parents for my child and she found some profiles that matched. I reviewed several portfolios. Some sounded great on paper but their pictures did not look warm and happy. Some looked happy but something on paper sounded amiss.

~There was the basketball coach whose wife looked like Tammy Faye did her makeup. 1st, I am only 5' and the birth father isn't much taller so the basketball coach is out and 2ndly, there is no way that woman is going to teach my little girl how to put on makeup.

~There were the Catholics who had 4 kids already. I want my child to be the 1st, not lost in the litter.

~There was the Hispanic whose wife had 2 inch black roots to her frizzy over processed hair. While the heritage combo is right (me being white and the birth father Hispanic) those roots just would not do.

(Not that I am that nasty of a person, but in choosing the people that are going to raise your child, you are going to be picky.)

There were a few others but when I found Tim and Lisa, I just KNEW. They were perfect. I loved their pictures and everything they said. I spoke with them for hours on the phone and we went out to eat a few times. What wonderful people!

During all this time, I was doing an Outreach Program with The Gladney Center. We would go to different groups (schools, churches, even on campus panels) and tell our story. Our purpose was not to say "Hey get pregnant and place your child!" but rather, be smart and know ALL your options and make the BEST Decision for you and your child. I really liked doing it even though one time we had a real "Jerry Springer" moment at this local high school. It was kinda crazy to be sitting in a class room and have all these pregnant teens stand up and start screaming at us for giving our kids away to strangers (like we were throwing in a dumpster). I (or we) explained how we can be very involved (as much as you would like to be) in the process.

Well, the time is getting close to give birth and Superbowl is rolling around. Tim is a big Cowboys fan and they were doing very well that year. The baby wasn't due till February but I prayed it would great for Tim to have a son home just in time for Superbowl and the Cowboys would win. (The state of Texas law says the birth mother has to wait 48 hours from time of birth before signing the adoption papers. Which means the baby would have had to be born no later than Friday morning)

The ultrasound shows a boy and while his name was planned to be Jack, a last minute call changed it to Nicholas. As soon as I heard the name, it was like hearing something you had been trying to think of forever and it was just on the tip of your tongue. Yes! That was his name.

So everyone is gearing up for Superbowl Sunday and the Cowboys are doing great. The girls at the dorm are planning a big Superbowl party!!


...to be continued....

I just don't get it...!!

So it would appear that there was all this HYPE about getting my number to an old high school crush. Apparently he had asked to get in touch with me. It has been over a month since this chap asked for my number and I still have not heard from him. Punk!!!

I mean, I understand that guys have a different time table than girls (or whatever) but why would someone ask for a number, and then NOT Call???? That makes no sense. I just don't get it.

[The story: About a month ago, Brooke calls and says she doesn't know the whole story but so-n-so called so-n-so called her to say that {D} wants to get in touch with me. I ask why but said "Fine." She was supposed to get more details. She wasn't able to apparently. Needless to say, she never saw {D} but gave it to so-n-so (a week later), who gave it to {D} a week after that. So {D} has had at the very least 2 weeks to call.

BUT I am NOT waiting all day by the phone! OH NO! I am way to busy for that!!!

I am a girl on the go! I've got places to go and things to do.

I am on the move!!! There is no keeping me down.

( que music )
"Ain't nothin' gonna to break my stride

Nobody's gonna slow me down, oh-no

I got to keep on movin'

Ain't nothin' gonna break my stride

I'm running and I won't touch ground Oh-no,

I got to keep on movin'"

Adventure Bound!

Well this is looking to be a pretty adventurous weekend....

Okay, maybe not that adventurous!!

We are heading to Lampasas to pick up the cutest little 2 year old alive!!!! Kaysten is coming to stay a week with his Nany (Naw-ny) and his Aunt Jodi. I am sure he is just thrilled - I know I am!

Additionally, Brooke will be coming to visit and Trisha may stop by too. (Some of you may remember that I haven't seen Trisha in 12 years).

All in all, it looks like it is going to be a jam packed, fun filled weekend!