We are but one day away from a new Year. Everyday is a new chance, a new opportunity, a Gift from God! Each Year is a chance to wipe the proverbial slate clean and start fresh.
And I fully intend to honor that life long tradition! So for the new year, I will be adding a series called "Rockwell Wednesday" and few other tasty and titillating posts.
I also plan on being more timely with my posts. So stay tuned!
Happy New Year!!!
Sunday, December 30, 2007
Thursday, December 27, 2007
I just can't win
So I told you how Mom says I am selfish and self-centered and so on while my sister and I were talking about breakfast. Well I never told her how much that upset me. In fact, I didn't bother talking to her about any of this because she already thinks I am selfish and why add salt to the wound.
So today I get a text from her saying, "I love you so much. You are so special!" Now I am totally neurotic and this is something she has NEVER done before so I ask her what this is all about...??? She says it was because she was just thinking of me. --That's nice. And I should be happy, right?
So I call her later to finally talk to her about what she said. I said I didn't to start a fight but just wanted to say that what she said really upset me and I wasn't that selfish.
So now we are home and she is standing in the middle the living room and won't let me through. She then gets upset because I don't say anything. If I say something, I am selfish. If I don't say anything, I have an attitude. I can't win with these people!!! I try to stay out of everyones way to keep the peace and I still end up in the wrong.
So today I get a text from her saying, "I love you so much. You are so special!" Now I am totally neurotic and this is something she has NEVER done before so I ask her what this is all about...??? She says it was because she was just thinking of me. --That's nice. And I should be happy, right?
So I call her later to finally talk to her about what she said. I said I didn't to start a fight but just wanted to say that what she said really upset me and I wasn't that selfish.
So now we are home and she is standing in the middle the living room and won't let me through. She then gets upset because I don't say anything. If I say something, I am selfish. If I don't say anything, I have an attitude. I can't win with these people!!! I try to stay out of everyones way to keep the peace and I still end up in the wrong.
Tuesday, December 25, 2007
Losing myself in Self Analysis
I have come to the very real and serious decision that I need counseling.
It has been an emotionally taxing holiday. The irony is, it was my decision to have a big holiday with the family. When asked about what I wanted to do this Christmas, I said since it was my first Christmas out of the military and it had been 8 years since we had all been together, I wanted a big family Christmas. .... I had to open my big fat mouth, didn't I!?!
My brother alone is enough to drive anyone off a cliff or to vote in favor of the death penalty. It seemed everything I did while at my grandparents was "bitchy". ... actually, it started before that....
My Mom had planned for she and I to drive both our SUVs 4.5 hours to get my brother the week before Christmas, load her truck and mine up, drive back, unload and then turn around and drive back up the following weekend. That didn't happen. He wanted to stay [despite the fact he didn't have a truck (it had caught fire and been incinerated), no job for several months, no electricity, and was about to be evicted] to be with his girlfriend (who may or may not be pregnant). So she decided we would just get him when we went home for Christmas; however, she kept asking if I was working the Friday before or if I could get off. ( I don't have vacation or holiday time. I am a temp so I get paid only for the time I am there and I needed to make my 40 hours.) I said I would try to make up as many hours as I could so I could get off early. (She must have forgotten because she asked me several other times.)
So my sister and her husband comes down the week before to stay with us before we load up and drive to my grandparents. Now my Mom, Sister, and Bro-in-law are all smokers. I am not. I would on occasion but began to get terribly ill so had to stop (thankfully). So I come home and we are all watching a movie. My sister lights up. She finishes. She opens the french door, lights up again, throws the lighter to my Mom, and Mom lights up. I am tired and don't want to be in the room so I get up, walk out, and close my bedroom door. I can not stand the smell of it and being a small living room with 3 smokers is gross!!! So I must have upset my sister because later I hear Mom shouting from across the house how I am so rude!
-I am so rude???? How is that? How am I rude because I got up and didn't say anything?-
So shortly after, my sister comes in my room and asks if I want to watch the other movie. I said no, that I was tired and was just going to go to bed. -- Then the TV roars with the sound of Twentieth Century Fox. I had already climbed in bed and wasn't getting out ... so I yelled at Mom to come in my room. (Now, please keep in mind that I had been working long hours to make up Friday time. And Oh-by-the-way, I wasn't going to work Friday so we could leave early so all the more time I had to make up. Needless to say I was very tired). Mom comes in and I (admittedly have a hateful tone) begin by saying I wasn't rude for walking out. She cuts in with I was huffy and slammed the door. I interrupted by reminding her I was working long hours, was very tired because I was trying to be off Friday for her, and could she keep the volume down. She storms out and the volume was eventually turned down a few minutes later ( I am sure only to prove her point).
I did try to apologize the following morning (though I also used the opportunity to reiterate my point) but it wasn't very well received.
(flash forward to grandparents) We wake up and most everyone was in the kitchen making breakfast and getting coffee. I had opted to stay out of my brothers way and stayed in the bedroom busying myself by making the bed and tidying up. I entered the kitchen just in time to get a half a piece of bacon and a single piece of toast still left on the table. As I reached down for the toast, my sister with a mouth stuffed of eggs, bacon, toast; grunts at me indicating she had dibs on the last piece of toast. I scoff that I was so sorry, spin on my heals and walk out of the kitchen back to the bedroom. Later I pull her in the bedroom to have a little chat. She said I had been very crabby all week. So I start by asking her how many pieces of toast she had? How many eggs? How much bacon? I then tell her that I had a half a piece of bacon that was left on the table and was hoping for the toast before she barked at me. She defends that she thought I had already eaten. I then explain about the other night when I left the living room because of the smoke and how I was working a lot of hours and was very tired. I wanted to know why was everyone so quick to be upset with me but no one even ask if I was okay or what was going on with me???
So later my Aunt and I talk and I bend her ear about the whole thing. She shares her perspective with me that my sister was treated like a 3rd class citizen, my brother was always having excuses made for him, and I was having to except blame and responsibility for both of them.
I knew about my brother. It was something I saw very clearly and it drove me crazy and I felt very much like everything was somehow my fault, whether it was or wasn't, I couldn't win. But I didn't know about my sister. I could see how that could be. I never felt a bond with her like I did with my brother when they were babies. I did feel bad for her. We just never really talked or bonded. She is 10 years younger than me so we never had anything to talk about. To me, she was a bratty little baby. The oldest vs the youngest kinda thing, I guess.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I thought I had come to terms with my history ("baggage" if you will). But I felt very much like I opened a closet door and it poured out and knocked me off my feet.
My Mom is still making excuses for my brother and telling me how I am so selfish and self-centered and self-absorbed and think only of myself and how I feel and what I want and not of anyone else. And I guess I still don't really know how to relate to my poor little sister. I still feel bad for her. I wish I knew how to fix me and how to heal this family.
So there you have it. I need therapy! I guess it will be my New Years Resolution (even though I don't really believe in those - but I do believe in bettering oneself).
Cheers.
It has been an emotionally taxing holiday. The irony is, it was my decision to have a big holiday with the family. When asked about what I wanted to do this Christmas, I said since it was my first Christmas out of the military and it had been 8 years since we had all been together, I wanted a big family Christmas. .... I had to open my big fat mouth, didn't I!?!
My brother alone is enough to drive anyone off a cliff or to vote in favor of the death penalty. It seemed everything I did while at my grandparents was "bitchy". ... actually, it started before that....
My Mom had planned for she and I to drive both our SUVs 4.5 hours to get my brother the week before Christmas, load her truck and mine up, drive back, unload and then turn around and drive back up the following weekend. That didn't happen. He wanted to stay [despite the fact he didn't have a truck (it had caught fire and been incinerated), no job for several months, no electricity, and was about to be evicted] to be with his girlfriend (who may or may not be pregnant). So she decided we would just get him when we went home for Christmas; however, she kept asking if I was working the Friday before or if I could get off. ( I don't have vacation or holiday time. I am a temp so I get paid only for the time I am there and I needed to make my 40 hours.) I said I would try to make up as many hours as I could so I could get off early. (She must have forgotten because she asked me several other times.)
So my sister and her husband comes down the week before to stay with us before we load up and drive to my grandparents. Now my Mom, Sister, and Bro-in-law are all smokers. I am not. I would on occasion but began to get terribly ill so had to stop (thankfully). So I come home and we are all watching a movie. My sister lights up. She finishes. She opens the french door, lights up again, throws the lighter to my Mom, and Mom lights up. I am tired and don't want to be in the room so I get up, walk out, and close my bedroom door. I can not stand the smell of it and being a small living room with 3 smokers is gross!!! So I must have upset my sister because later I hear Mom shouting from across the house how I am so rude!
-I am so rude???? How is that? How am I rude because I got up and didn't say anything?-
So shortly after, my sister comes in my room and asks if I want to watch the other movie. I said no, that I was tired and was just going to go to bed. -- Then the TV roars with the sound of Twentieth Century Fox. I had already climbed in bed and wasn't getting out ... so I yelled at Mom to come in my room. (Now, please keep in mind that I had been working long hours to make up Friday time. And Oh-by-the-way, I wasn't going to work Friday so we could leave early so all the more time I had to make up. Needless to say I was very tired). Mom comes in and I (admittedly have a hateful tone) begin by saying I wasn't rude for walking out. She cuts in with I was huffy and slammed the door. I interrupted by reminding her I was working long hours, was very tired because I was trying to be off Friday for her, and could she keep the volume down. She storms out and the volume was eventually turned down a few minutes later ( I am sure only to prove her point).
I did try to apologize the following morning (though I also used the opportunity to reiterate my point) but it wasn't very well received.
(flash forward to grandparents) We wake up and most everyone was in the kitchen making breakfast and getting coffee. I had opted to stay out of my brothers way and stayed in the bedroom busying myself by making the bed and tidying up. I entered the kitchen just in time to get a half a piece of bacon and a single piece of toast still left on the table. As I reached down for the toast, my sister with a mouth stuffed of eggs, bacon, toast; grunts at me indicating she had dibs on the last piece of toast. I scoff that I was so sorry, spin on my heals and walk out of the kitchen back to the bedroom. Later I pull her in the bedroom to have a little chat. She said I had been very crabby all week. So I start by asking her how many pieces of toast she had? How many eggs? How much bacon? I then tell her that I had a half a piece of bacon that was left on the table and was hoping for the toast before she barked at me. She defends that she thought I had already eaten. I then explain about the other night when I left the living room because of the smoke and how I was working a lot of hours and was very tired. I wanted to know why was everyone so quick to be upset with me but no one even ask if I was okay or what was going on with me???
So later my Aunt and I talk and I bend her ear about the whole thing. She shares her perspective with me that my sister was treated like a 3rd class citizen, my brother was always having excuses made for him, and I was having to except blame and responsibility for both of them.
I knew about my brother. It was something I saw very clearly and it drove me crazy and I felt very much like everything was somehow my fault, whether it was or wasn't, I couldn't win. But I didn't know about my sister. I could see how that could be. I never felt a bond with her like I did with my brother when they were babies. I did feel bad for her. We just never really talked or bonded. She is 10 years younger than me so we never had anything to talk about. To me, she was a bratty little baby. The oldest vs the youngest kinda thing, I guess.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I thought I had come to terms with my history ("baggage" if you will). But I felt very much like I opened a closet door and it poured out and knocked me off my feet.
My Mom is still making excuses for my brother and telling me how I am so selfish and self-centered and self-absorbed and think only of myself and how I feel and what I want and not of anyone else. And I guess I still don't really know how to relate to my poor little sister. I still feel bad for her. I wish I knew how to fix me and how to heal this family.
So there you have it. I need therapy! I guess it will be my New Years Resolution (even though I don't really believe in those - but I do believe in bettering oneself).
Cheers.
Wednesday, December 19, 2007
So Tired
So tired!!
(big yawn)
Feeling very groggy.
Pardon the grouchiness
Must sleep!
Good Night and sweet dreams.
Saturday, December 15, 2007
Kissing
Tis the Season for Mistletoe!
And all this mistletoe puts me in the mood to smooch.
I miss kissing. I was so good at it!
Watch out boys, I am feelin' fresh! (giggles)
Happy Hunting! ....oh, I mean Holidays! Yes...
"Happy Holidays!!!"
Thursday, December 13, 2007
Smitten
I was minding my own business, talking to someone when he came around the corner. Before I knew it, I was blushing and giggling and shrugging my shoulders while laughing into my hair -- "What has gotten into me?!" I wondered! "Oh my gosh, I hope no one caught that... How embarrassing!" I felt like a 5th grader at recess. How silly and funny I must have looked.
At first it's just a simple acknowledgement of attraction that catches your eye. Then there is a look, a laugh, a witty retort, a clever saying, something more that captures your attention. Then before you know it, you are smitten.
"Hello, my name is Jodi and I am smitten."
Tuesday, December 11, 2007
a Beautiful MOMent
Absolutely Beautiful!
Angi has captured a beautiful moment and put it to poetry to it.
Sunday Skin
(Angi, ya like that word play....(giggles).... "Beautiful MOMent")
Angi has captured a beautiful moment and put it to poetry to it.
Sunday Skin
(Angi, ya like that word play....(giggles).... "Beautiful MOMent")
Monday, December 10, 2007
Evolution OR just a work in progress...
I don't know at what point I became me.
I can pinpoint pivotal moments in my life but at what point I became the person I am eludes me. I guess I am just a work in progress. That's what life is though, isn't it? Progress. Evolving into a better person. --At least that is what I believe.
I believe that part of life is about bettering ones self; be it spiritually, mentally, physically, any combination or all of the above. Whether it be read, take classes, research, observe, or just ponder the meaning of life.
But then there is my brother. My poor pathetic brother. He calls last night at 10pm to say the truck is on fire. .... and just what are we supposed to do from 276 miles away???? But to make matters really worse, Mom gets SO upset. She can't sleep, she can't talk, she can barely breath. She is crying so hard, she is distraught and just bawling and weeping. What am I to do? How do I help her. So I just sit there for 2 and a half hours waiting, watching, talking, comforting, hugging and crying with her. He calls back and that only seems to make matters worse. She can't even talk, she just hangs up. I call him back and he proceeds to swear and raise his voice... of which I clench my jaw, and through gritted teeth let him know he will NOT TALK TO ME THAT WAY!
He upsets everyone. The entire family has their feathers ruffled. My sister calls to ask if he is okay because he thinks Mom is so mad, she won't talk to him.
OMGaw!!!! Where does one start?!?!?!
Mom said that she wished he would hurry and learn whatever lesson God wants him to learn. ...as though God put him in this situation. This is a topic we discussed to some length. I said, "God did not put him in this situation!" James is where he is because of his own decisions. Good or bad we end up where we do because of our decisions. Things happen to us that are out of our control, yes; but how we handle them, what we do (be it react or recover), these things are in our hands and our decisions. That is what makes a [Man], his decisions. The wisdom he uses to guide his life.
___________________________
(NIV) Proverbs 1:1-7 The proverbs of Solomon son of David, king of Israel: for attaining wisdom and discipline;for understanding words of insight; for acquiring a disciplined and prudent life, doing what is right and just and fair; for giving prudence to the simple, knowledge and discretion to the young - let the wise listen and add to their learning, and let the discerning get guidance - for understanding proverbs and parables, the sayings and riddles of the wise. The fear of the LORD is the beginning of knowledge, but fools despise wisdom and discipline.
___________________________
Christ came to tell the world of God's Love. He was persecuted, spat on, and even betrayed by his most trusted, His own family. These things were out of His control yet how did He handle them? He was tempted by Satan and offered all the world (Luke 1:1-13), yet how did He handle it?
We all have choices. God gives us the freedom to choose and make our own decisions. It is the decisions Jesus made that showed His Love and His Loyalty. Christ even prayed that His Father would take this from Him (Matthew 26:36-44, Mark 14:32-41, Luke 22:39-46) but that His Fathers Will be done..."Father, if you are willing, take this cup from me; yet not my will, but Yours be done." Despite being faced with betrayal, persecution, and painful death; he still chose to honor His Father's Will.
We choose how we handle things or we choose to ignore it; either way, it is our choice. We all make mistakes and none of us are perfect, no; but we all must confess our sins, faults, imperfections and ask forgiveness. Ask of God but also of those we have done wrong, treated poorly or offended.
______________________________
(NIV) James 5:16 Therefore confess your sins to each other and pray for each other so that you may be healed. The prayer of a righteous man is powerful and effective.
______________________________
So maybe some take longer to evolve.
.......(sigh)...... I just hope he does evolve or at least show progress...
.....Let us pray.....
Thursday, December 6, 2007
from Love to Disdain
Since I was old enough to talk, I wanted Mom to have another baby for so long and 8 years later, she did. When my brother was born, I was in Love! I rocked him to sleep and carried him around. He was so beautiful and precious. Those heart string were sewn all through me.
As time goes and he grew up, he became a monster. A hideous snarling mangy 23 yr old monster. He cusses and screams at me all the time. It is impossible to have a conversation with him. He has been in jail at least twice and calls Mom to bail him out. He doesn't have a truck payment because Mom let him use my sisters old truck but he doesn't take care of it. Then complains that it is crap and wants Mom to fix it. He hasn't paid rent in months, has no electricity and is probably about to be evicted. He has had his license revoked from too many tickets and DUIs. He calls Mom almost, if not everyday and asks for help.
He disgusts me. I have such disdain for him. He enrages me. I morn the loss of my precious baby brother. What happened to that little boy? There is no talking to this monster! I want to box his face in. I want to strap his hands and feet together, stuff a gag in his mouth and make him watch hours of video of families that lost kids from drunk drivers or kids that lost parents because of a drunk driver. I want to rant and lecture and plead and preach and talk some sense to him. I want to make it perfectly clear that he is ruining his life. That his actions have consequences. Why can't he see that??? Not only that, but what he does effects others.
His son is growing up with a worse father than he had. He doesn't want to be like his (our) father yet he is just as bad. He came down one weekend and spent more time watching tv than spending time outside playing with his son. He has no patience or tolerance at all and just as little for his own child. He fears that his new gal may be pregnant. Yet again, not taking responsibility for his actions and preventing accidents from happening.
What is wrong with him?? What is wrong with the world that people like this exist? How is this person and I from the same gene pool???
How do I deal with someone that used to be so precious and I loved so dearly, that is now hideous, foul, crude, rude, vulgar, repugnant and I wouldn't waste my spit on. He is family. Family is supposed to be about tolerance, understanding and love. I have tried to love him as Christ loves him. Lord knows I have prayed for him. I have had such gut wrenching tear drenched prayers it is ridiculous. I have praised his few accomplishments to encourage him. Nothing seems to work. Nothing seems to stick. It's like the two step - one step forward, two steps back and all your doing is circling the floor.
So pray for me.
Pray for him.
Pray for us all!
As time goes and he grew up, he became a monster. A hideous snarling mangy 23 yr old monster. He cusses and screams at me all the time. It is impossible to have a conversation with him. He has been in jail at least twice and calls Mom to bail him out. He doesn't have a truck payment because Mom let him use my sisters old truck but he doesn't take care of it. Then complains that it is crap and wants Mom to fix it. He hasn't paid rent in months, has no electricity and is probably about to be evicted. He has had his license revoked from too many tickets and DUIs. He calls Mom almost, if not everyday and asks for help.
He disgusts me. I have such disdain for him. He enrages me. I morn the loss of my precious baby brother. What happened to that little boy? There is no talking to this monster! I want to box his face in. I want to strap his hands and feet together, stuff a gag in his mouth and make him watch hours of video of families that lost kids from drunk drivers or kids that lost parents because of a drunk driver. I want to rant and lecture and plead and preach and talk some sense to him. I want to make it perfectly clear that he is ruining his life. That his actions have consequences. Why can't he see that??? Not only that, but what he does effects others.
His son is growing up with a worse father than he had. He doesn't want to be like his (our) father yet he is just as bad. He came down one weekend and spent more time watching tv than spending time outside playing with his son. He has no patience or tolerance at all and just as little for his own child. He fears that his new gal may be pregnant. Yet again, not taking responsibility for his actions and preventing accidents from happening.
What is wrong with him?? What is wrong with the world that people like this exist? How is this person and I from the same gene pool???
How do I deal with someone that used to be so precious and I loved so dearly, that is now hideous, foul, crude, rude, vulgar, repugnant and I wouldn't waste my spit on. He is family. Family is supposed to be about tolerance, understanding and love. I have tried to love him as Christ loves him. Lord knows I have prayed for him. I have had such gut wrenching tear drenched prayers it is ridiculous. I have praised his few accomplishments to encourage him. Nothing seems to work. Nothing seems to stick. It's like the two step - one step forward, two steps back and all your doing is circling the floor.
So pray for me.
Pray for him.
Pray for us all!
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